Senorita Jane

Happy Chinese New Year 2012

2012-01-24T11:22:00.000+08:00

My CNY this year is so lame...i'm not sure about others but i just feel so lame. Also for the 1st time i feel so bored during my holiday...haiz....can it be more fun.....

But i only manage to celebrate at my hometown & didn't get any invitation to open house...but it's okay...i get use to that.

Happy CNY to all & many more returns in this year of Dragon (^.*)

My Early Visiting - KOTA BELUD

2012-01-04T00:07:00.000+08:00

My Early Visit this year is to Kota Belud, Me, rina & Zain went to this gorgeous beaches & village at Kota Belud. We're off from home at 5am, got a chance to shoot Sunrise at Mengkabong Bridge (pic still on process).

Because of my neighbour still keep fighting the night before, so i call up the police. After that, i was so scared to sleep, because i'm afraid if they knew it was me makes the call & perhaps he (the neighbour) will do something to my vehicles or something.....too many thoughts.....

Then, when i meet Rina & Zain that morning, i told them that i didn't sleep & can't sleep at all. When we about to KB, i fell asleep for a while, then wake up at Tuaran for breakfast. After that, continue on the road to KB. Honestly, i can't even remember the path to KB. I will always lost i guess...it's confusing me + i fell asleep, i can't even think any of the directions. Well, as long i reach KB & have the gorgeous beach pic, that's count.

Then, we went to Mayang Sari restaurant for Lunch, The food was marvelous. I will come to have my lunch there again (if i know the direction). After lunch, Durian hunting people. I've just have it for a few but it's huge....then, pudding hunting again...after that went home.

When i reach home, i can feel that fever is coming up...and i really got fever...until this morning, luckily i still on leave. But tomorrow is working day...how lazy i am to be in the office with the crazy boss around. *sigh*

My New Year 2012

2012-01-03T23:38:00.001+08:00

Early in the morning, i went to Bundu Tuhan church, attending my cousin's holy matrimony & receptions.

Then, we're heading back to hometown at 4pm from Tamparuli. Before i went back to my hometown, i'm heading home, rest for while, tired driving. About 9pm i & my two dearest cousin went back to hometown & celebrate the coming new year.

But I went back home at 11pm, i always celebrate alone at home every year. honestly, nothing different or nothing gonna change around me. So, i just stick to it, or maybe someday when i found someone again...ahaks....

So that's my story about the new year. Blessed New Year Everyone!

My Christmas 2011

2011-12-27T01:21:00.001+08:00

I think i wake up early in the morning, to prepare something to eat for my mum, Aunt & cousin. So, i just get anything to cook or grilled. So happy they love my cooks, then i'm waiting for my friend to sms for accompany them to get their changing present.

When i refresh my memory on Christmas Eve mass, i can see everybody have their new dress, new shoes & everything, then i wonder why i didn't feel like to get anything new instead i was making a little charity at the shopping mall to a kids around the mall.

This Christmas, i don't have any new dress, new shoes or i don't even get any present which is i'm okay with it. Because i must get use to it. It's not about the things that i've mentioned but it's all about what is sincere & the change of the heart that can make everyone feel happy & didn't left behind. I know i don't have that fortune to share, but i do have a little heart to share with people.

Even though i'm not that perfect, but i hope what i can do, i do it with a sincerest heart. I know i miss everything during my Christmas day, i didn't went to my cousin's house, didn't went to my grandma's house, & also to my friend's house, but i still keep their spirit with me. I do miss a lot of things now days, i'm more to a solo person or people can see me as lonely person. But i'm getting use to it, another few days left before New year.

Oh I do get a present at last, I really appreciate it. Thank You to my friend.

Christmas Eve 2011

2011-12-24T23:28:00.001+08:00

Early Saturday Morning, i was spending my time at living room but first of course checking my FB if got any message. So, i went to living to watch TV. Suddenly my mum were holding the remote & by coincidence she clicked Disney Channel which is also my Favorite Channel. It's "lion king" cartoon showed up, my old time favorite, i still can remember their scripts + the songs. It's really great story too...then continued by channel 413, "cars" movies showed up....i love that story too....

Then, continue watching Miss USA & Miss Universe Beauty Pageant. In the Evening, I went to get my dress at Buhavan & then went to KFC & take it home. I bought for me & my cousin, after eating the KFC. I'm getting ready to Stella Maris church, i reach there before 5.30pm i think. I manage to get inside the church which is still half empty. But the Mass was at 8pm, maybe you were wondering isn't it tired or bored waiting too long? Nope....I bought a reading book with me. I still can manage to read half my book before the carolers getting started. the picture above is the only pic that i have for the Christmas Eve.

After Mass, I went to Survey Supermarket to buy something that i forgot to buy. Then i went straight home, When i've reach home there's nobody home, i bet my mum , my aunt & cousin still at the church ( i think so). Well, home alone indeed.

Now, they're back from my cousin's house which i though they still at the church....wrong guess indeed. then now, i'm sitting in front of my pc to update my old blog & still want to keep it update.

BLESSED CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!(^.*)

BLESSED CHRISTMAS & BLESSED NEW YEAR 2012

2011-12-24T09:59:00.001+08:00

Thanks To Mr Wilson For making this pic possible

BLESSED CHRISTMAS & BLESSED NEW YEAR 2012 TO ALL OF YOU & YOUR FAMILY

A Week Before Christmas

2011-12-19T00:34:00.001+08:00

Honestly, i don't have any preparation for this coming Christmas. I know it's terrible, i still can't believe that i'm into photography.

From the beginning of my photography is just for fun, and i really do it for my other side income just for a special case or event. Preparing all the packages, but depends on whom i am deal with.

For Christmas this year, i think i'm going to be celebrating alone again, just like previous year. Family? yes..i am celebrating with them but not on the Christmas Eve. I think i can't manage to find my own gift this year, cause i'm don't have the time to survey around the mall just like the old time.

New year? My new year this year i guess will be a tiring day, my cousin is getting Married at Bundu Tuhan Church, I'm on duty for taking their pics. Then went back home & waiting for new year.

How can i spend the last minute for this year Christmas, but for sure the photoshoot has been stopped for a while. The camera need a vacations too..lol...i wonder what my day would be.....

In Loving Memory - Uncle Sylor James

2011-12-08T12:31:00.001+08:00

Our beloved Uncle Sylor James has been called to our Father. may his soul Rest In peace.

It's really sad losing someone that we love & respect, he is a great father, brother & uncle to us all.

Thank You God

2011-12-03T21:34:00.001+08:00

I have the greatest day today with a friend of my to some place i call heaven, it's a place that 1st time of this year to visit the places. I'm so bless to have such a wonderful friend to share the joyfulness day.

Even though i have so many events coming up, but i'm so bless i do have the time to spend my day with my friends, and also the Durian hunting makes me so dizzy right now, we ate about 6 Durians + i bought 2 more at home...i guess i'm really full of it right now, and almost can't breathe.

I believe we manage to learn a new things & visit the places that already been manage properly & beautifully. I really thank God for the places & the chances to know more about all of it & also Thank you God for all my friends. I do hope more to come when i had such time.

Gosh...i really need some space to work out my pic, it's been a while since i took so many event pic including wedding & receptions, until i didn't have the time to manage all the models pic, hopefully if everything going smoothly, i will try my very best to update all the models photoshoot. (^.*) Thank U God for the day...

Fed Up...

2011-11-21T18:49:00.001+08:00

Haiz...Totally Blown up! When there's comes to one point that really hit my patience level. You know how worst i am to you, So please don't try my patience, it really a nightmare. A month before Christmas really receive a huge temptation, but i believe i will be okay.

I just don't understand people now days, i can't please everyone. No matter what i do, there's still have the look by the words of "not satisfied". I think i've done so many things within this year.

The thing that rarely hit me is my patience level, because the thing that u need to know, when the thing hit my burning point:

- Don't ever calm me down (coz u just annoying or i really feel u r annoying + will make me even burn)

- Don't ever tell me a stupid joke (i won't respond + u r really annoying me)

- I can make everyone hates me with my words or i will lose a friend (So, don't try my patience)

But that's only comes when it's really hit my burning point, Just like today (i don't really want to talk about it)

I can't feel any Christmas Fever yet, Usually when the Christmas fever is here, i will miss my home, friends & family. But i guess i can't feel it at all, but still i pray for that time to come. I miss the good old days, where there's still hopes, friendship, caroling, candle light, Christmas tree & Church.

I do hope today's (burn) only, tomorrow will be a great day.

Christmas this year i celebrate alone, but memories of my past Christmas celebration will remain in my heart. Hope to be with the same Christmas every year.

Hectic October

2011-10-17T01:29:00.000+08:00

My...my...my....What a hectic month, but at least i'm having fun being busy all the time. But really need to take care of health, i always skip my breakfast & dinner.

My tight Schedule of the month really makes my mum wondering what have i been doing lately, the Photo shoot night & day is the answer. Most probably it has no end at all, but it's great to organize something that is my passion.

I would love to Organize something challenging for everybody that can learn & make themselves proud. Hopefully when the times come, everything is gonna be a blast!

Another task to be done this week, & to be continue with the Photo Shoot Event. until the next post (^.*)

Waiting...

2011-09-26T21:13:00.002+08:00

After came back from retreat, all my closest friends & family said that i'm changed. I don't know that but i really feel relief & feel peace, not fully but i can feel it already half of my cup.

I am more grateful meeting new friends in unexpected way, i gain more love from others & love others. honestly, it's not easy but when our mind just think positive & the concept turn into love, love always conquer it all.

I realize i am a bit of quiet & even make people misunderstood that they think i have a problem or i'm sad. but i don't, i'm feel joy inside & interested to learn a new thing & gain more life experience.

I'm waiting what coming into my life next..but hopefully not much of a temptations, because i believe evils is everywhere. I'm waiting for the next stage of my life, if God really want me to change something, i would be really glad to do it with his lead.

I can see my mum a bit happy of my changes but still i can see sorrow in her eyes...just want to make her happy as long as i can. I'm also waiting for a bigger plan that i can think of, to keep my self busy. Some of my friends telling about a guy that i gave crush on last time, but i fell very neutral until i can speak his name & pray to him that he will get the happiness that he wanted. Because i know who i am, i'm not his type & i'm not that he's been looking for. I'm not waiting for him, i'm letting him go slowly until it really disappear. He deserve the best (^.*) If he happy, i'm even more happier.

The love will never leave us, it always stay in our heart. No matter how you keep fighting to leave the love, you'll never succeed. Love always conquer us, No matter what happen, i will keep on be strong & with God's leading the way..i will never lost. (^.*)

Retreat Kaingaran Tambunan - 9th -11th Sept

2011-09-11T22:16:00.000+08:00

My new friend, room mate too

Something That i bought from retreat

I went to retreat at Kaingaran Tambunan, which is also my solo drive to Tambunan, it's been a great experience. People said, if we never get the experience we'll never know what was it like. I feel so blessed made it there, Even though there's so many temptation before coming to retreat.

If you ask me, i really don't have any idea what was it like, or what is going on. I just felt it & pray.

Early of this year i was planning to go retreat with a friend, but that friend is MIA. I don't know if i am the friend anymore, but i bring along the friend spirit to the retreat. Even more for early of this year, i really gave up on everything, i don't know what to do, how to do, what to say..i just don't seem to get it right for anything that i do anymore. So, i made up my mind to attend the retreat.

I come alone to this retreat, but i always believe i can make another new friends & i did...my room mate, they are not just a friend, but for me a special friend. why i call special? something that i can't mention, i just keep it little secret. My room mate are from Tenom & Sook Keningau, dusun toomod boh gia. when i with them i think i can learn dusun faster then murut....kekekeke....well, dusun & kadazan just a like. I'm glad i spent time with them, even though they are younger than me.

So much prayer that i've learn, we've got a key words to our prayer, that we've never forget & keep saying it in your heart. I believe & have faith with the key words, the healing prayer from the retreat really powerful indeed, i don't know how to describe it, but it's doesn't mean you are immediately healed, it takes time & need to go step by step & by forgiving people that hurt us or people that we've hurt. it's really takes sometime, but everything takes time & depends on us how much love that we can spread to people.

I just need to get rid of what didn't seem right inside me, the deep hurt indeed. i can't seem to clarify anything right now, i'm really exhausted + flu + cough. i will talk about the retreat tomorrow then. Good night (^.*)

Did I Appear That Strong?

2011-09-05T00:23:00.001+08:00

I can see people now days, mostly my friend, doesn't matter old friend, new friend or current friend that i have. I thought they will having the happy ending, getting couple, engage, marriage, but when comes to one point that i believe every couple have their own problem, but why must they feel that hurt, i can see it through their eyes, & suddenly they post it in their blog , Facebook & Twitter.

Isn't it great having someone that for us until the end of our lifetime? Why must there's a lie, scandal, & much more or even worse divorced. I can see it through my family, i know i'm not perfect, but isn't that when comes into marriage, aren't they suppose to prepare that anything can happen when they are building their family?

Well, i believe when we get into relationship, engage & also marriage, there's always temptation that we've have to get through. Depends on us how to settle it down for not losing each other & break the family apart.

I believe people always keep talking behind my back even the closes friend i have now, but it doesn't matter anymore, it hurt but i think i really get used to it. Because i believe that last time when i really hurt the most, nobody is there for me, i just depend on myself. Even the closes friend or new friend i really can't trust anymore., it's a lie when i said i trust them, probably they can be trusted but it's really hard to gain my trust on people anymore.

If i said don't tell anyone about it when i'm telling you something, i was just testing them that time. Well, i'm not surprise when there's a people come to me & ask me about it. Very funny ya!

Is that a friend when we talking about something but they seems like not interested at all & they are not a good listener too..so i gave up....when theres come to me for help, sorry i'll keep myself busy all the time. Just find someone that they can use, as usual they just want to take an advantage of me all the time. But sorry for disappointing all the time.

Actually, i'm not that strong enough to handle all the wound, but how life would that be? i just want to thank someone to make me feel loved, hurt, humiliate, ugly, & etc..he really did it successfully, but after that i just can feel it anymore, seems like heartless if that's the words.

If he read this, you know who you are. Always be loved by your words. I just Love the way it hurts (^.*)

Hari Raya Day 1 (^.*)

2011-08-31T00:53:00.000+08:00

Day 1 of Hari Raya, honestly i didn't manage to went Hari Raya or any event, except to my aunt's house. I think i'm suppose to attend a wedding reception but i'm so lazy to went out, because i really need a huge rest. I think this is the 1st time that i had my fully rest in this year. I'm really exhausted from the early year, so, i just playing games & sleep at home the whole day.

At night i went to my aunt's house, where are suppose to be have a meeting for my cousin & nephew birthday celebration, but unfortunately many of them are not feeling well, it's been a while i haven't met them or haven't got a chance to visit them. I'm glad my aunt cook my favorite chicken soup + ginger. Thanks Aunt.

Then i went home to prepare a macaroni for picnic with my cousin & friends at Karambunai. I'm suppose to bring fried noodles too, but unfortunately i forgot that i don't have a container to it. So, i just bring my macaroni instead. My closes buddy Rosa & Daisy can't attend, so i have to drive solo to Karambunai, hopefully it's gonna be fun & looking forward for some exciting "Plan". (^.*)

So can i say this?

2011-08-26T23:50:00.001+08:00

I really have a problem with this "Kau bila?" "sudah kahwin?" "sepa bf ko skarang", the annoying part is when we telling them the truth they would never believe it. Haiz...so, i just thought they believe lies more than the truth.

So can i just Say this :
- If i tell them that i'm in relationship, but get dumped. How?
- If i tell them That i'm married, but widowed, How?
- If i tell them that i have a boyfriend, but he is gay. how?

There's another part that i annoy me is when i post something about love, people will wonder that i might have someone special. Aiya...what a world....cannot love our family & friends meh....haiz....

People will be just a people, even though that you are blood royal, but still just a people, i won't afraid at all.
so, when it reach my limits. I won't be that so nice person anymore...ooopppsss...sorry..i'm a bad person...oh yeah....

I Am That Bad (^.*)

2011-08-24T23:16:00.002+08:00

I was uploading picture into my new photo blog, suddenly i found this a bunch of CD full of picture. Therefore, i'm so curious what inside the CD. While uploading the picture, i check out the CD one by one. I was so shock it was a pic from my past, the sad thing is i can't remember. It's not that i can't remember all of it, but just i can feel it that i had all those kind of memories.

Okay, what had happen to me this few years. Then i recall back what he was talking about that night, unfortunately, i'm so confuse. Oh Gosh! but i believe i have done something that really bad, until i get that kind of deep feeling again. Then, i wonder all those picture, is that really me? I know him actually but it didn't clear, i believe my friend told me something about him before, but he say that his different now, even though i just remember some of it. I think the worst part is gone or the lovely one also gone.

But when i saw those pic, i can feel something pain & also deep love appear. i don't know what was that, but i think i'm still alone because i am a bad person. That's why they told me i was like someone without a feeling, But i still remember them, their name, their lives or perhaps i've spent time with them before. I believe i know them before, that's why i keep being confident what i say to them.

Then, there's a pic that remind me of him that night. He said i was really meant to him, i didn't appreciate him as my love. Oh gosh, i really that bad, i didn't realize that. But i really terribly sorry about what happen between us. It's my fault, i think you were right all the time. I didn't know what actually happen, When you told me about what happen, i can feel & assume that i know but i didn't. I think something is stuck inside my memory. But i can reply him because i use to follow my heart what to say, some of it i still can remember, but if he recall deep further than that, i think i can't answer him.

Telling him the truth, the feel is still pure & it's not fake. But i guess because of me it didn't work out, i can feel that it's my fault all the time. But i didn't know or i can't make things right, i really don't know about myself anymore, that's why i need some retreat session & it will be this coming 16th -18th September. I've been wondering all these years what actually happen, the conclusion is i am really that bad person. Perhaps i was so afraid to get along with a guy anymore, i don't want them to get hurt by me some more.

I am really sorry what happen, but i guess he also wouldn't accept me as a friend, it's because i've hurt him so much & also to other people. I don't deserve any of you, hope i can re-install my memory. I know this is not sound like me, but that's the fact that people didn't know. How i wish i can apologize to each everyone that i've hurt, even though i don't know them.

That's why i just accept what ever people say about me, all the back stabbers too..i just accept what ever they want to say, i'm hurt in front of everyone-yup i've been there, humiliate by people all the time - yup i've been there, hurt in & outside - oh yes, all the time, nobody there for me - oh yes, even more exciting, when your loves one also become one of them - BINGO! Even better -i've been there...Thanks to all of them, without them i wouldn't be this strong. I can't move on, but i will just go ahead. i just Smile & walk away. The tears need to pause for a while. (^.*) Because i have this kind of faith & patient for myself even though how disgusting it is, that's why i just accept it. because i know if i force to fight, it will always come back & will never be secure. i just let it be.

Regret? i have tons of it, but it doesn't suit me anymore. Let the regret go with them all, I just wanna live & get things done until my very last & my very best. (^.*)

Okay, i'm going to continue to upload more picture at my new photo blog, do visit my photo blog ya. (^.*)

My Picture Blog (New)

2011-08-24T01:21:00.000+08:00

For your info, i would like to separate my photography activity picture at http://www.claymity.blogpot.com, this is my collection for just for fun & also my port folio.

Do visit my new blog, Thanks (^.*)

My Winning Picture!

2011-08-21T08:00:00.003+08:00

Pic Above Were Taken by Best Buddies Zain - Getting the Winning Prize

I really didn't expect of winning anything in this Workshop.

But i feel very happy for that, thanks to the friendly & cheerful Model that i met Felicia Yan

This is my Winning Picture During The Alpha Sony Workshop - 20/08/2011

Don't Apologize Please! (^.*)

2011-08-21T01:30:00.002+08:00

He said Sorry, actually i don't feel hes doing a wrong thing, but i know how's he feel. i've been there too, such as suicide or make things that you feel don't want to live anymore. I've been there, it's sucks!

It really hard for me to answer him when he ask how i'm doing, it might really hard to move on but i just go ahead. I have so many to say but i think it useless or maybe he won't listen or it's hard to understand, because he didn't know what i've been through. what i've told him just a part of it, but he won't listen or won't believe me anymore.

I don't want to lose the friendship between us but he have to go, & i have to carry on. Maybe the memory of him is not so clear, for what i can remember. I still take that as a good thing, the word that he give me since the last time really give me the biggest impact that i didn't dare to try anymore. Perhaps to who i've hurt, don't worry the karma is there. It just waiting for the right time to hit me back.

Will gonna miss him & wish him all the best & hope he can find his happiness someday, i just remain as his friend.

I'm Late!

2011-08-18T20:05:00.004+08:00

Why i'm always late to any of my schedule plan? haiz..if only i have more time to make it better...

but i guess, i really get through the rush hour everyday.....That's so bad...i know that...

Talking about it...now, i'm late again..until next post...(^.*)

How does getting rewarded through sharing sounds like to you? Join #ChurpChurp today and bring more friends to the community!

2011-08-18T19:36:00.000+08:00

How does getting rewarded through sharing sounds like to you? Join #ChurpChurp today and bring more friends to the community!

PhotoShoot with Rosa & Helen - 07/08/2011

2011-08-10T19:07:00.002+08:00

PhotoShoot with Stephanie & Efra - 31/07/2011

2011-08-03T22:27:00.002+08:00

This time at Jambatan Tamparuli & also Kiulu river tamparuli....*sigh* sunburn (^.*)

This Pic Taken By My Cousin Daisy

2011-07-25T21:33:00.004+08:00

Every time Learning A New Things

2011-07-18T01:30:00.003+08:00

Hey, i was really excited about the SAKP photoshoot Outing. Because we manage to have 2 volunteer model to be with us. When the group gather, there's always a new thing to learn, which is i feel really grateful to meet them as brothers & sisters.

I'm glad to say..I DID IT AGAIN! YEAH! (^.*)

Everything worth It! I will continue this event every month.

Too Many Kind Of People

2011-07-13T22:07:00.002+08:00

Haiz...I met many people now days, i can only say that there's too many kinds of them. When i saw this personalities of them, it's like "wow, you are amazing", but behind them "oh crap! you are nothing". I couldn't even imagine why there's such people on earth, but i know for sure that we need to learn many kinds of them to grow.

Sometimes, even your closes friend are like them. Even though you can see for the 1st time they aren't, suddenly there's a changing attitude & the way they look. Okay, stay away from me, you are not who i though you are.

Appreciation, you can say in friendship or even in relationship, there's always lack of appreciation. Of course i do know people not perfect but please be grateful that closes one is there for you when you need it. Please be grateful if the opportunity is on your hand, don't refuse. when they refuse it for the 1st time, then they'll regret & never stop complaining. I am in that situation sometimes but i realize it & manage to handle it.

I need to get some sleep now & take the supplement again...Good Night (^.*)

Even Though It Just A Dream

2011-07-11T22:29:00.002+08:00

I ever tell all of you that my dream, not just a dream. It's always a sign, but as usual i can't find any clue to it.

On Wednesday night, i was dreaming about someone that close to me before. It's really a happy dream, but deep inside i know that's ridiculous, i don't want to think about it at 1st. On Sunday, i fell asleep in the evening, tired wondering around in the house. Then i dream about the one i used to love before (a few years back), it was really pathetic us. I know we wouldn't be together but i don't want people treat him like a stranger.

Then, last night continue from a dream on Wednesday night. It probably happening right now, perhaps already happen, or it will happen tomorrow. I always late getting all the clue, & i will get to know the truth by coincidence, by friends, by mail, by newspaper or by family members. Sometimes i can see that person in my dream, but in the reality i can't find. But suddenly they were among our family members or a friend's cousin or related to their friend family.

I'm really having a hard time to figure it out, i don't want to think too much, but it just can't stop appear into my dream or by coincidence by people that giving a hint.

hopefully i can get all this clue done, i wonder why this kind of 'gift' i can't get rid off. It's time to get some supplement before getting to sleep. Good Night (^.*)

Searching For Volunteer Model

2011-07-09T00:31:00.003+08:00

I've been searching for a talented volunteer model for port folio, i've been organize some photo shoot event to Sony group lately. I like what i'm doing now, to keep myself busy.

The idea were came from when i was sitting in front of the computer & suddenly something pop up into my brain, so my crazy mind giving me an idea to search for girls. So, i open my facebook & search for a my close friends & a friend from long lost friend.

So, i post at Sony group that i want to have a photo shoot with the girls. the things about this group is, they always support each other no matter what. Even though i'm new, they really didn't let us down. So, i inform them about the venue & time. They really take it seriously & helping me to succeed it.

I never thought that i made it this far, but i'm glad that bad things happen to me early this year already pay off. Really grateful that i've met them, even though i didn't know anything about camera or taking people's pic, they always be there to teach me.

On 03/07/2011, i've organize the photo shoot at Tg. Lipat Beach Likas. 5 girls & 10 or 11 photographer taking their action & the girls making their effort.

Next photo Shoot will be on 17/07/2011 at Perdana Park with Model Ms. Arlouva & Ms. Jamie. Hopefully everyone can join. *cheers*

Just Face it

2011-06-16T20:07:00.003+08:00

It's been a while my blog, i don't have any idea to update actually. Just want to say about life thing, which is been really hectic at work, family, friends & dreams.

Just face it when we always getting stress out at work, as for me that been working to many kind of different experience make me learn new things, new people with attitude, many kind of management, i think i can handle my self on work.

Just face it when Family always the main priority for me even though i may not have that kind of perfect / complete family, but i get through it on my own with faith. Even though my parents are no longer together, but they always my parents. I really learn so much about it, that's make me even different from others. Keep strong & let adult handle them self, but i still do keep in touch with my dad, really miss him too. When i think about him, i will burst into tears..haiz...let it be..

Just face it when once called friends are no longer friends, they seems like stranger. Well, for sure i never change, still the same old me. I still treat you as a friend, even though they suddenly never know me at all. Even after i've done for them, i never query about it. Well, people change, nothing we can do about it. I just still be good enough to be by their side when their needed me.

Just face it when the person you love were not meant to be, i'm okay & deal with it. But still miss it, well, at least i do have the memory. Step by step it will be gone & i will going strong, still have 4 more years to go. (^.*)

Just face it when we still keep tracking for our dreams that hasn't come true, well..i just carry on what i love to do, make my self busy as usual. Learn new things everyday, accepting what ever brilliant offer to come. I hope something great happen will come to me, as i still searching what is the best future for me. I don't believe if people say it was too late to search, well, for me everyday is opportunity, i may or may not get anything it doesn't matter, as long as we keep on searching. There is a place for me to fit in (^.*) Ahaks.....

My Biggest Sacrifice Ever!

2011-06-06T00:26:00.002+08:00

Who said i don't dare to cut my hair! how do i look?

Well, its really my biggest sacrifice ever. I cut it because it's been a while i have this long hair, it's make me tired & it's really heavy + falling apart.

I went to town with a friend of mine, he introduces me to his stylish salon named "Jo". As far as i can see he really love his Job, & he really like my hair. After cutting my hair, he ask me to dye my hair which i really refuse to do since a very long time, but maybe to start a new life, perhaps it wasn't that bad, i will try to dye my hair with his suggestion next time when i went there again.

Hopefully a great + new thing will happen to me this few month. I've been waiting to those opportunity for a very long time, it just my passion & my dreams.

When i was on my way back home after cutting my hair, i still confuse what i want to do in life. Even now, i still looking for i wanted the most. Because my mind & my heart is not there when i was doing a thing that i didn't like to do. Perhaps i need something that really challenge me, & i need to gain that extra special from many kinds of Sifu.

I really feel my life is coming to a bloody hell bored, even though i have many task to handle, office work didn't count, i still feel that emptiness. Even though i have so many event to attend, a course to attend, i still can feel something is missing, i know what it is but i don't want to think about it anymore, i know i haven't move on, but i just go ahead. Cutting my hair is the 1st step, i don't know next but for sure something will good come to me. I just need have Faith.

faith...faith...faith...

My Friend's Gym (^.*)

2011-06-05T23:37:00.003+08:00

Well, my friend's & her family member's Open their family Business. It's a gym, i attended their grand opening on 4th June. It's a great place to workout, we've just walk in for about a few minutes & we already got sweat. It's really worth it, & we also take our measurement on weight. Now i'm 49kg, enough of water & need to add 100 calories. My age 22 yrs old, that's young enough but in fact it's not because it's not my age that situated on my IC.

But i'm really happy, when people see me still as a student or not 25th yrs & above. One of them ask me, "kak, ko berapa umur sudah?", i answer him "26th"..he shouted " ah..betul bah...yalah..sia nda percaya oh"....i just laugh out loud & proud still looking younger (perasan si Jane ni). In fact it's not....LOL...

Even It's Only Take A Bit Of Hope

2011-06-05T22:32:00.002+08:00

I was at my cousin's house yesterday, which MAKNA group were visiting my aunt for the cancer survivor & expose how's the group been able to help. It's more on charity & most them were volunteer, they also describe the very common cancer that most dangerous is breast cancer.

I can't deny it, it's very true. They also show us the decease of many level of people, even kid & baby also have a cancer. But i really can't watch the kid pic with a huge bloated at their private part, because it's way too scary & the kid only 3 yrs old. It almost make me cry but i hold back, it cannot simply take light about this.

The Above group picture is the volunteer of MAKNA & the cancer survivor (sitting on the chair), they also need to find more volunteer, i can be one but the problem is time. If only i have more time to spend with them, it should be okay. But i will participate whenever i can, & who knows i will be one someday.

Well, to all people out there, this people need our help to survive & even with a little of amount but in God's eye that's were huge of help. Don't forget to take care of our health (trying now) & take a medical check up twice a year or more.

Something To Tell

2011-06-02T23:06:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking lately about what happen & i know people will get bored hearing this over & over again, but telling the truth i just keep it to myself. If people can see & read my face by a glance, i don't have idea what to say. I just smile & say thanks then walk away.

About my love life, that feeling that i'm keep holding from the beginning of my relationship history, i never expose to anybody even keep holding to the one feeling now, only one person that know all about it, & the rest i just keep to myself & my blog. I know by blogging i've already expose to the world, but they didn't know the truth, only part of it.

If they didn't believe what i've just said, it's up to them to judge. They don't know me, even they assume that they already know me better. No one did!

This year, the story keep repeating, same story but different version. Sometimes when i think about it, it become some story that i wouldn't share to anyone. They seem to see me as a cheerful person because i keep a smile on my face & i pretend that i'm happy.

Oh yes, the uncle "feng shui" story that i was telling you about from my previous post. Some people ask me not to believe it, but for me, i will answer them "dengar pun susah, tidak dengar pun susah, ikut pun susah, tidak ikut pun susah, Sekali kalau Kita berdepan sama God, kita query napa God tidak tolong kita, sekali God Jawab sama kita " sia sudah send messenger sia sama kamu, kamu yg tidak ikut"..nah..apa macam kita " Well people, sometimes we didn't know this kind of people were born gifted, who knows if he said was true, then i have to treat him kopi O' right.

I was so bless meeting all different kind of people, races & religion. Perhaps meeting them is not by coincidence, perhaps if it is God's will, I just open my heart & accept it with humble heart. God Bless (^.*)

UK Fun Fair Penampang

2011-06-02T21:31:00.003+08:00

It was a major hilarious because seen people want to play that what i call "tukul" bring people up side down, that's the thing they want to play 1st, but i suggest them to play the Tagada dance 1st, but it seem useless. So they want to show that they are so brave & can take it with guts, well ladies & gentlemen they are so regret after that & no more twice. That's 1st & the last, i didn't ride any because that time i was really sick but no one notice which is great.

I just want to see them having fun, i went there with my cousin & friend. Even though that friend didn't notice i'm exist which is thank you for nothing. Well, i'm happy if they're happy.

So, go & have fun. You can judge later after playing, All the best (^.*)

Caron Ubil & Jacynta Pepin Wedding Reception - 28/05/2011

2011-05-28T20:21:00.002+08:00

Well, i was at Dewan Datu Damidal Kg. Sugud for Caron & Jacynta Wedding reception. It was the blast, the band was so fun & the crowd were really enjoy them self. Caron is also my cousin but not that really close, i can see their will be a very happy couple since secondary school.

I was taking their family & friends picture, just for fun & just like to get busy. Today i didn't attend my friend's wedding anniversary, i also didn't attend my photography course & some more i already forgot. hehehe...

After taking picture, One old man came to me & ask me "you know how to speak chinese?" i answer him "yes, i know a bit" this is because he hardly speak in malay, so i just try to speak in chinese, although my chinese was so very poor..but i still can speak a bit & understand what is he saying. He told me " i want to talk to you just now, but i don't don't know how to approach'...i just smiled & stood there listening to him. He ask me again, "how old are you" so, i just answer him "26", then he introduce himself to me that he can read my feng shui by looking at my cheek, my chin & my nose, OMG! i was like what had i going through, but i just patiently wait & listen to what he want to tell me.

He said to me :

- don't get married in this age, get married when you are about 30 yrs old & after your birthday.

- many boys like you, now i only can tell you there's two person. (i wonder who is that), you just stick with single status, if you get into relationship now, boys only playing with you.

- if you get married this kind of year, you will be suffering. (Oh No)

- i know you also often get sick ( how the hell he knows that) lack of sleep, your stomach get pain...need to take care of you health. (ok bos)

-maybe you don't believe me today but think about it or maybe if it's true, you can treat me a cup of coffee someday. (OMG)

But all the thing that he said is true, i can't argue with him about it. Well, they are so many things that he told me, but all the above mentioned is still fresh inside my head. telling the truth, i was relieve when he is telling me all of that. He want me to do the things that i wanna do 1st, taking picture & etc...really grateful meting him. Thank you uncle (^.*) perhaps he saw me with a sad face taking pic.

Don't Get Me Wrong

2011-05-28T00:34:00.002+08:00

Hey, i went to cinema watching Kungfu Panda 2, it was funny but still got the hidden message in it. The movie start at 7.30pm until 8.30pm i guess, then i went to Foh Sang having Porridge. When i recap the movie that i just saw, it remind me of Biscuit Chocolate Panda that i love so much, but now already replaced to koala bear or cow. Sad...

It's funny when my cousin or any of my friend asking me if the movie is funny, i said "yup, it is funny", then "why didn't you laugh?" i was speechless & i don't know what to say anymore, so i just smile. Actually this is the thing with me, when inside the cinema i will be so quiet. even laughing, i will laugh in the certain2 part. But if the movie is a horror movie, that's the part that get worst. I can fall asleep when i watch horror movie, can u imagine everyone with their imagination watching the horror movie, while i was yawning & almost fall asleep watching it with my cousin, my cousin said to me "tidak siok tingu tv sama ko, teda perasaan", that's part make me laugh out loud. Until today my cousin didn't invite me to cinema if watching the horror movie. sometimes i remind her, "ko nda mau bawa sia tingu movie hantu?" she's answer "nop". I just laugh, & one more thing that when watching the horror movie, my cousin will cover her ears & her eyes, then i say "bagus tdk payah tingu, klu semua pun ko cover". Then, when that happens, i am the one who will telling her what happen or humming the music of the ghost. that's the best part when in the cinema.

Oh, when you saw my blog title it meant for all of my depression during my hard time. Don't get me wrong, all that i've been throw out is only to express my feeling, not too judging, not mocking on people, it didn't mean that i want to come back from the past, even though if it's possible, i just live in memories, i just want to say what i need to say, & i didn't even want people to change. I just accept them who they are now, that's all.

Different people, different philosophy & different thoughts. They have their own thoughts, i just carry on with what i stand now. I can't please everyone, now i'm just doing something that can heal & to be me again. I don't expect anything, just hoping & have faith on it. I believe God have plans for me, it's like my journey have never ending.

So, people always see me smiling & they seeing me cheerful. But deep inside i was falling apart & fall deep down the hole. I just need sometimes to climb back & Learn from what happen. until now, i'm still learning & i believe everyone is still learning. It's true we can't change the past, but i still live in the memories. I didn't regret it, at 1st yes but when i think of it, it's no a big deal. that's just a problem from the heart. Just feeling empty, that's all (^.*)

Calling Up Conclusion

2011-05-27T10:11:00.003+08:00

Good morning Bloggers, well, today's been very bored & i don't feel like doing anything at all. Perhaps holiday is coming, that's why i can't focus + i don't have anything to do.

Well, FB activate again, but only for info & picture upload. I miss uploading picture, but still i don't have the heart to check it, not like last time. It's getting bored, but since i often update my blog, i think i prefer blog & twitter. So much stories to share, i activate my FB because a group of photography friends have so many info to share & they want us to be part of it, which is very good.

I have something to settle down for now, i know i'm suppose to settle it down long ago, easy for you to say, but it's really hard to do. But i hope something really good happen is coming, i wish i've got it.

I think i'm gonna continue my music lesson, but 1st i must decide which one, last time i was taking a piano lesson, but only reach to level one. I've lack of it & lost it i guess...now, i'm looking forward for violin or Guitar, which i really want it so badly. I can't make up my mind, hehehe...

I was chatting with my cousin, then i took a survey from the internet & i was so shock because my result shows "You fall into a pretty high category of pain, EMPTINESS" ..which at 1st, i was smiling seen it, but everything is true about, well, what to do...(^.*) until the next post...

Live Life Like You're Dying

2011-05-26T21:05:00.002+08:00

Well, i was watching American idol at 6pm - 8pm. It was really a blast grand finale ever, i love all their performance & Congratulations to Scotty. He really deserve it, he's unique with the low notes tones voice. He is 17 yrs after all, proud of him & he have a very long way to shine. All the best Scotty!

So, i also seen Scotty singing duet with Tim McGrath (if i pronounce it right). the Song called "live life like you're dying". It really attract me with the lyrics & the melody, well...how beautiful life can be...In life we must feel everything, didn't care pain or love, but life always must go on. I believe everything that bad happen, will come with the good one. I have faith on in & i put my hope on it too.

I wonder after American Idol, what next? TV must be boring after all the reality show is over.

Well, today i've got message from my dearest cousin asking me "how are you?". I answer her "i'm getting insane everyday, or i'm okay, or i didn't know how am i doing" hehe..i think i'm gonna be just fine. Just a bit frustrated & uncontrollable emotion, but that's the thing for keeping get better.

I just love all the oldies & country songs on American Idol just now, different kinds of melody inside my mind right now, & to Sir Tom Jones, proud seeing him singing live again. Now, i'm gonna continue watching Supernatural season 3, then 10.30pm get to sleep. Have a very Gud Nite all.

"Dear God, please protect to the person that mean so much to me. protect my family & friends, keep them away from the darkness, let your love blessing falls on them. Amen"

Tweet Of The Day

2011-05-26T08:58:00.002+08:00

1."♥ You're playing with my heart and it's getting really lame. * Decide what you want; The girl or the game? ♥ - #epictweets"

2."Love is when everything isn't okay and hurting, but still you want the same person over and over again. #HeyThatsSoTrue"

3."I cheated on my fears, and broke up with my doubts, and now I'm about to marry my dreams. #EpicTweets"

4."Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never ever the same."

5."Too many people buy things they don't need, with money they don't have, trying to impress people they don't even like. #EpicTweets"

6."Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye. - Helen Keller"

7."Never chase anyone. Someone who truly appreciates you will walk with you and won't need to be chased."

8."Him : Why did we stop talking Her : Because you changed ):"

9."My past is painful but my future will be blissful... #HeyThatsSoTrue"

10."I wanted things to stay the same, but people change, feelings fade away, and priorities change ):"

11."A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."

12."Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, u hear it but u can't see them. Then right when u walk by them, they're quiet. #LTI"

13."You have my heart - keep it, I will come get it when I am ready to love again..."

14."If a guy really loves you, he wouldn't get mad if you text him every day. If he does, he just lost a girl that really did love him."

15.""Every day brings a chance to live free of regret and with as much joy, fun, and laughter as you can stand." — Oprah Winfrey"

16."You get to know who you really are in a crisis." — Oprah Winfrey"

17."Let go of the thing u want most and know that if it's meant to stick, it will. #TDL"

18."I hate those moments right before you go to sleep, when you are forced to think about all the things you tried so hard to forget."

19."If he wanted to be with you, he would. If he wanted to call you, he would. If he wanted to talk to you, he would...but he didn't #MoveOn!"

20."You can hate me or love me but in the end only God can judge me."

I'm So Outdated

2011-05-25T20:05:00.005+08:00

Today i was thinking about watching movies with my cousin, but i call it off. Because i still have many more movies to watch at home. I am so outdated, so what! When people asking me about the latest movie, i really don't have any idea when is it show, i seldom went out, seldom watch TV too..except for American Idol & Glee.

I already told you that i am a boring person, i seldom hang out with my friend except with my cousin. It's like i don't even have a friend even though they are many of them, but hey life goes on, if they need me, they will looking for me.

Even around this month event, i'm not very clear about it. Mostly everything that updated will be post in FB, but i didn't know now, it's deactivate. Because i know, when i deactivate my account, i know there's some people is talking sarcastically when i'm

deactivate my FB. Well, i don't mind at all, i just let past by. Just let my spirit up & keep think positive, even though it hard sometimes, but i ever try it before & i will be keep positive again.

Just now i was watching American Idol & Glee, i didn't realize that i was asleep on the couch. No wonder my neck cramp, nothing much to do. I will continue watching Supernatural Season 3 later, but blog must be updated first.

Oh..there's something that i wanna share with you, it's about a letter that i found in the internet, it is something that really mean to me & the words that i'm look

ing for to say it to him, but i couldn't, i just let it out here in my blog. Here it is:

" Dear .........., The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those three days friendship or Eight months I got to spend with you, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world, But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - I'll see you soon then."

Well, perhaps that is my last word to him after all. God bless Everyone.

Tweet Of the Day - 25/05/2011

2011-05-25T11:30:00.002+08:00

1. "Any boy can break a girls heart, but it takes a real man to be able to put it back together."

2. "The best proof of passion is pursuit. If someone wants to be with you, they'll find a way."

3."When a girl likes a guy, you can see it in the way she looks at him. Because she'll be paying attention to everything he says."

4."Don't allow anyone or anything to get you upset today, their powerless and your reaction is their only power"

5."Sometimes, I don't text you first because I don't wanna feel like I'm annoying you."

6."When I first saw you, I saw love, and the first time you touched me, I felt love, and after all this time, you're still the one I love."

7."Sometimes you have to realize that some people can stays in your heart but not in your life."

8."One of the hardest part in life is forcing yourself to forget the things that made you happy just because it's over. #SLT"

9."The biggest mistake is to think that it's too late to start something and not doing anything at all."

10."The worst part about having a broken heart is going to sleep knowing that you’re going to wake up and nothing's changed."

11." I don’t listen to you, doesn’t mean I don’t care. "

12."I’m stubborn, doesn’t mean I’m not easy going."

13."Dear whoever is reading this, you are beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile, life is too short to be unhappy. ♥"

14."I never said I wanted to be perfect, I just want to be good enough for you."

15."Sometimes, it can be painful when God comes in and rearrange our life. Have faith! God's answers are wiser than our prayers. "

Jogging

2011-05-24T23:25:00.002+08:00

I went to Perdana Park at last, after jog for 4 round, then i take a rest on the bench, suddenly i met my friend, then we've chat. We are having a very long chat until we walk to the beach to buy fruits then walk back to the Park.

I reach home at 10pm or 10.30pm i guess, then take a shower, fold my cloth & now blogging. It feel really great after jog, i can reduce a bit the uncomfortable feelings that i have that evening. At least i'm feeling better after all that i'm going through this day.

It's like i haven't log in to my twitter this whole day, I miss FB but that's later...honestly, i also don't know what to update anymore, because there's nothing much activities going on now, this month of May really giving me an opportunity to get a break, because the previous month really make me exhausted, but next month i still didn't know what is going on, hopefully no more last minute event or gathering.

OMG! this 28th May, i'm suppose to attend my cousin's wedding / Photography Course / Wong Loong family Kaamatan, ooohh..oohh...*sight* which part of me need to go 1st...can i go marathon? haiz...i think i need to keep my promise to my cousin's wedding 1st, i think Photography course can't attend & also goes to Wong Loong Kaamatan gathering...everything is clash....

Here comes the uncomfortable feelings again, aiya...i can't sleep....perhaps after watching Supernatural, i can get to sleep...so much to think about...can anyone please make a decision for me?..hehehe...stressed out....

My Day 24/05/2011

2011-05-24T16:26:00.002+08:00

It was a screw day for me, i was thinking about something great will happen, but it's not. I'm taking a day off today, taking another opportunity to move forward. but in the end i feel a bit disappointed in way how i represent myself, i don't want think about it. I can feel that i won't get it, it's not that i'm giving up but it just the way it is.

Damn! I really don't like this feeling, the feels will keep bothering me until it's time to sleep. hopefully not into my dream some more, if that happen, i guess another panda eye in the morning.

Still stuck with the uncomfortable feelings, i can't control it unless i keep on busying my self,i was thinking about Jogging at Perdana Park later, hopefully there's no one recognize me this time. I mean, it's like where ever i go, people will just stare at me, but i wouldn't care, because i don't even know them, perhaps in FB but i didn't know them. After that, some inbox message left into my FB & when i open it, most of it will said " oh gitulah, sombong lah..bla..bla..." if you know me, then greet, no need to stare, if you afraid..hey i'm just a human..i won't bite... That's why i seldom went to jog at Perdana Park, prefer went to Komplex Sukan Penampang or Tmn Tun Fuad.

It's like when i said i always went to Perdana Park Jogging, everybody suddenly interested about jogging, but that's good, keep healthy. Honestly, now i seldom went out t park or mall because i'm too busy watching Supernatural which is my cousin give it to me, well..they are the one who really love downloading movies, they know that i'm the boring person on earth, so they keep copying for me all their movies. I got until season 5 of Supernatural, & still continuing watching it, but today after jogging, will continue it again. ...getting ready to jog...will take off on 5.30pm perhaps...until the next post...

Tweet Of the Day

2011-05-23T10:15:00.002+08:00

1. " A song is a moment, a friend is a time, and a best friend is a lifetime.#ihatequotes"

2. " Sometimes the girl who's always been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her. #ohteenquotes"

3. "It's okay to need each other, that's what makes us strong, that's what makes us human."

4. " Forget the past, because it's not worth it. The past is gone, and you can't do anything to change it. #LargerThanWords"

5. "Protect Her, Be Strong For Her, Be Honest With Her, Love Her, Kiss Her, Hug Her, Hold Her, Smile With Her, Laugh...http://fb.me/VXBzC7uh"

6."Depression is just a fancy word to say you're dying inside. Keep your head UP. Stay strong boo. Stay strong."

7. "Never underestimate the power of a woman's intuition. She knows when you're lying, sometimes she just want to c if u will b honest with her"

8. "Staying away from someone, doesn't always mean the sad ending for it may also mean the best beginning. #ihatequotes"

9."Distance means so little when someone means so much."

10."BERSERAH pd Tuhan bukan artinya kita tidak berusaha. Justru sebaliknya. Kita berusaha, tapi kita PERCAYA bhw Tuhan bekerja pada waktuNya." ~ Agnes Monica

11."It's the thing I never thought I would like, It's the feeling I thought I'd never feel, It's the person I never thought I would love."

12."When the tears are on the outside, the healing is on the inside."

13."People say you don't know what you've got till its gone. The truth is you knew what you had; you just thought you'd never lose it."

14."I hide all my problems behind my smile. Behind my smile is a world of pain. You think you know me, but you have no idea."

15."Life's like sailing. You're better to enjoy your journey on the ship instead of waiting to reach the destination."

16."The best memories come from the best of times, which can only come from the best of friends. #ihatequotes"

17."It’s tough when someone special starts to ignore you, but it’s even tougher when you have to pretend that you don’t mind"

18."Respond to hate with Love & you make the world a more loving and peaceful place. #TDL"

19."Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

20."I start where the last man left off. ~ Thomas Edison"

Are You Ok?

2011-05-23T09:30:00.003+08:00

Good Morning everyone, today's road really drive me crazy, pack jamm. If only i could ride a bicycle to work, but that would be impossible. I'm really sleepy & lazy right now, due to lack of sleep last night, Haiz....i couldn't sleep at all.

A bit dizzy & still blur...my eye really sore right now. My 1st question from people this morning is "are you okay?", well..need to pretend again, "yes, i am. y? you've seen me getting old is it?" ..they said " no, i thought you were crying"..ehem.."nope, i'm just having a bad nightmare last night (mangkali lah)"

I found & borrow this from a friend of mine blog's

& that's how i truly feels.

Okay, twitter getting more & more inspirational, getting motivations too. The twit were really fast, it getting more & more everyday. It's like they were compete with each other & promoted their twit.

I am twitting nonsense everyday in twitter, some of my post was caught by people's eye, even though they were getting busy with their post. So funny some more, well...until the next post..

My FB Deactivated

2011-05-22T19:58:00.002+08:00

Yes, i deactivate my Facebook account, it all because people always hack my account & i want to avoid a heartache that people always misunderstood. I know Fb i just for fun & finding long lost friend, but there's a point that people just so irritating, i can't help it.

We've just playing around on FB, then why people always so sarcastic. One more thing, if i'm on FB, i can't help it when i saw his post & i can't even comment it. I want to, but i can't. So, more on blog & more on my twitter.

I can update my blog again & again, how many more stupid more "I" & "again" should i go....Haiz...

Actually, i'm preparing a set of document for another opportunity, i hope it didn't turn down this time. I do hope something good coming to me, i really need miracle & i don't want to lose hope anymore.

All the best...Fighting...bassya...

Just A Recap

2011-05-22T04:27:00.002+08:00

Well, i can't sleep again. I was from D Junction with my friends & cousin, honestly speaking, i'm not in mood for clubbing, but i pretend to smile and having fun. But inside of me is not there, i was thinking about something else.

However, when i think about my blog, i read my 1st post when i started blogging. When i read it, oh man..my poor words really make me feel really embarrass myself. But i hope people still can understand or pretend to understand. Too much of broken heart, emotional, tears, joy & all mix up like Nescafe 3 in 1. But i'm really happy that i've grown bit by bit, it help me to become stronger & grow, I also want to take this opportunity to my followers that grow with me since my 1st post. Sincerely thank you.

I do know most of it about the heart that never materialize, well too bad i'm still in the healing process, missing someone so dearly. But i hope i can't let go, & i hope that day will come. Even though it's already beyond my limit, but i can't force it.

While blogging, i'm listening to a music that i've just download. It really make me wanna sing, snd i just sing it inside my heart, cause it almost past 4.30am. Why i always like this? well that's me, when i heard people say "let go", it easy to say, but it hard to do. If me, i will let go after someone that willing to accept my worst side, and always be there & be with me, i will stay with that person forever & faithfully. I'm not that type easy to fall in love with someone, well, that's why they call my heart is like a stone. Because if i already made up to whom i love, that love will stick forever & it really hard to put it away. Just like this time, i don't know how other people do it so fast, i know i can't. That's why i just keep my love to him until it gone naturally.

I still can't figure it out what's wrong & what they want. But i hope, there's a sign for me to find it. My dream, another matter that lead me to stay awake, i have this dream & it keep repeat. If not repeat, they places remain the same, but the people will be different, how i wish i knew who they were, so i can find the answer quickly, God, please help me & give me a sign that i can figure it out fast. I can't stand it anymore, that's why i wish i don't have that "gift". Any dream will do, but if there's a serious matter, then it will lead me clueless.

Well, it seem i'm out of words. Getting headache already, i think i should try to get some sleep. Good Night.

My Birthday (^.*)

2011-05-18T12:34:00.002+08:00

Well, i didn't make a notification about my birthday at FB. So that i can see who is the real people with real friendship truly are, there's only 7 people that wish me on my birthday, i really grateful to them.

Thanks to my friend with KFC & a Cake, my mum with the cupcake calender & also Yoyo. My beloved Cousin Emma & Emily treat me at Upperstar Lintas, thank u for remembering my birthday.

I can't thank enough to them, a bit sad but i somehow can get over it. Even though i'm a bit not feeling well..but still can be with them. Sad but happy.

Mother's Day - 08/05/2011

2011-05-08T20:18:00.003+08:00

Today was mother's day, but i didn't make the day fully celebrated. But still my mom satisfied with all the food that i've bought, even though it just the simplest celebration i've made.

When i think back, if wasn't for mom i won't be here. She is my strength, my friend, my shoulder & everything. If wouldn't for her, i don't have anyone left. She's my everything now, i wouldn't mind if i won't find my happiness, as long as i can see my mum smiling, that would be my happiness.

I saw many kind of peoples picture during their mother's day celebration, i saw their mum smiling & i feel very happy for them too. I don't know why, when people includes the parents along, that's the pic that i want to snap. With their smile, nobody would forget for their entire life.

I know i'm not been a very good daughter to my mum, i mean to all that treat me as their daughter, but i guess i only can do what i have to do. I guess that's my nature, Love the Old Folks, Love the "special = handicap" kids, Love kids, Love the sick people. I'm just that kind of person, Nobody will ever left behind, i want them to be there with me even in the bad times & good times. Because we didn't know what will happen to them if no one care, I've been searching for chance to make a charity for all this kind of people. But it seem it's hard to see a people with a good heart. As i can see, people only want to get close to you for granted, and what about people that want to get close to you is a backstabber.

My mum made so much sacrifice for the two of us, after leaving our hometown, i know for our own good. From i was kindergarten until i've reach my Diploma, my mum is the one who made me through all of it. Even though during my graduation, the love of my life couldn't be with me, but my mum is there to celebrate with me. But soon after that, the love of my life leave me with someone that better than me. I'm really sucks in relationship & also a boring person, it's been 4 years now, but we still friends. We know our limit, as he was my ex, i only can pray for his happiness, we can't be together. Thanks to the one person that make me forget about what my ex done for me during the past years.

That one person will always in my heart forever, even though i'm no have him by my side. Perhaps he's busy planning his marriage life now, but i will never forget him as my best friend. The day will soon come, a day that force me to let him go. i'm so afraid but i have to be strong, so that when it happen to see him again, i still can smile & walk away. I already made him a promise, i won't fall for him again. i'm apologizing to him that i fall for him for the last time we've talked. I know we can't control the feelings, but i can lie in front of him if happens to see him again. All i want to say to him is " I'll see you again". But i guess not, it just would be useless.

I hope that day is come, so that i can made up my mind to let go. I can't let go, but i will pretend again that i already let go. Why this bloody feelings just vanish & disappear, i really can't stand it & why it really hurt...

Mom didn't know about this, because she didn't want to see me sad, so she didn't need to know about it, so i pretend that i'm okay. I'm sorry mom, I really love you. It really breaks my heart if seeing your sad face.

Happy Mother's Day!(^.*)

Where Is The love?

2011-04-26T01:04:00.003+08:00

Today i've seen my two of my dearz crying because of some circumstances, i still can't forget the voice of their emptiness & betrayed by people that doesn't appreciate them. But One of them is heart broken by a family & one of them feel really empty & lonely because of a friend. I'm always want to be with them when their really in need, i want to be their shoulder to cry on.

When i know the story between them, my heart really crash into billion of pieces. Can anyone be trusted? Why it's keep happening to us? Don't mind me, i care about them. I've been there, i know how they feel. So, please cry out loud! i'm still here beside you & listen to what you want to share. I believe karma is there, we've just have faith in ourselves.

I'm not perfect too, i also have that kind of broken heart too. But i didn't told anyone about it, i just let it be buried with the time. Even though i'm still not heal, but when helping others can make me slowly heal, so just keep on smiling & stand tough. Many of my friends says that i've change, to tell the truth, i didn't change because of human, i've change because of love.

I just want to keep the love inside me & spread it to all people that i called friend & family. Don't get me wrong, I just keep a love to my family & friends but not more than just a friend. I just want to protect & keep my love to myself now, afraid of being hurt & afraid of being lied again.

If you can convince me how to trust again, perhaps i can change my mind.

Telling the truth i'm sucks in relationship & it's really hard to gain people's trust, provided people know about me.

Sometimes i wonder, why people is so cruel to each other? is there peace inside their heart? I've been hurt but i still can make people happy & i still can smile to others. I want to make people smile, so i can take their smiley face.

A week Before Easter (^.*)

2011-04-25T00:22:00.002+08:00

Holy Thursday - 21/04/2011

~ After work, i'm heading to Donggongon township to met my cousin Daisy & Kelly. Daisy & i parked our car near the Megalong parking lot, & we follow Kelly's car to Kobusak Church. Because i never been there, so i just follow them. The Church's name is "Lady Queen Of Peace", for the 1st time been there. My friend Mimie also join us before it started, luckily she didn't lost. After that, we went to dinner at Bullfrog. The Mass was lead by Rev. Fr. Wilfred Ating.

Good Friday - 22/04/2011

~I didn't went to Station Of The Cross, so i just stay home & waiting for the evening mass at 3pm. Me, Daisy, Mimie & Ray went to Assumption of our Lady, Church Sugud. My Cousin Charles Bisius ask me to take a picture of the day mass, i really enjoy doing it but the heat it's really burning. I can't stand it, but i don't care. As long it is worth it to God, i do anything for God. After that, me, Daisy & my bro Charles Bisius (Rev. Fr. Rayner Brother) went to Bullfrog to have dinner. He ask me to take his camera & bring it on Easter Virgil (Saturday), so i just follow his order. His Camera is Alpha 550, heavy but worth it i guess....i love to play with the 50mm lens. After that, i have to make a move because i'm meeting my friend Jamie at Boston at 8pm. So, i also bring along the camera with me & using the 50mm lens. After that, Jamie want to go Blu7. I know it didn't sound good, but i just accompany her there & take some of the new band from Indonesia.

Easter Virgil - 23/04/2011

~ The mass start at 6pm, I also went to Assumption Of Our lady church & also for the photography task. It has 8 reading for the night but only 4 of it were read, So it's been a while. After everything have done, i send Daisy home & went to my cousin's house (Emily). Watching AF9 with her, & suddenly migraine is attacking me. Really can't concentrate, but after the show was finish, i just went home with my headache + migraine.

Lastly, i couldn't even wake up to church because of migraine. Then when it okay, my cousin Emily ask me to accompany her to shopping at Centre Point. I think it was the 1st time i've been there this year, but nothing has change. As usual with all the PTI srrounding the area. Makes me wanna faint, then we went to McD & suddenly i saw Cathy, how nice to see her during the Easter. We've chat a bit & make a move home at 6.30pm. I didn't realize the time, when reach to my grandma house, another BBQ gathering with the family. Chat a bit then i went home.

P/S: I don't know what i have written down here, if there's a typing error or vocabulary that i also error, please ignore it , coz i'm a bit confuse & headache. Perhaps i'm lack of sleep. Need to sleep now, but 1st going to pray. Good Night.

Holy Week (^.*)

2011-04-21T00:16:00.000+08:00

This Holy week, i think i've been way too hard to myself. It's all about my busiest life & it's tough after all.

It remind me what has happen to me during the lent season, i've been fasting, i've been tempted, i've been in the way hard situation, i've been confess, i've been pushed away by people, i've been lonely & empty, i've been missing & thinking a lot, I've been working and etc..

Sometimes i just can't stand it, but if that can cure me or heal me, i believe i can get through this. For sure i still remember my duty as a catholic, even though people were talking behind my back about me. I'm not a perfect Catholic, but in God's eye we are special. I don't bother what they want to say about me, i've been searching for an answer why everything happen so fast & are we ready for the easter day?

When it's come to my thought about this holy week, i've been prepare for the coming Easter day. Which i'm going to donate an egg for the easter activities for the Sunday school event, & also joining them to prepare the egg for the easter Sunday. I really almost forgot about the egg & my cousin's wedding preparation. Wow! it's really make me lost my mind when it comes to work. Just a few days left, then May is coming. Another busy month for me,cause the Kaamatan is here.

I think i will have my rest on June or July, & also i have to do something next month, something that for me is important, something that i have to do. until that day come, i'm hoping some miracle happen or blessing falls on me. i'll pray for it. Amen.

I can't waste my time anymore, i want to make everyone happy but i know i can't. At least i can do a bit of hope to people.Anyway, Happy Holy Week to all, God Bless (^.*)

What's count?

2011-04-16T02:50:00.003+08:00

When i think about myself during this lent season, i feel that really empty even though i'm surrounded by so many people. I can't pretend that is okay, but i can only smile to people. When i saw some people that suppose to live happily but it didn't happen was really breaks my heart deeply. I also can't understand why they would betray their marriage life, well, i have no rights to say about other people but i just concern about them. I don't know why....

I remember one of my closes friend told me that i like to carry other people's burden, i guess that's true. I can't help it when people really in need or need someone to share their feels. even though i , myself still haven't recover from the healing process but when it comes to help people or when people's problem come to me & i able to help them well, i think that's make me heal & makes me feel good inside.

I don't care if people say that i was pretending to help people to attract attention, because when it comes for a helping hand i never pretend. I'm doing it sincerely, without getting any return. Helping people & make people happy, that's count!

I can't think about myself for no, continuing helps other. It's not like i want to be a super hero or something but while we still can, just do it with your pair hand. Helping people it's like helping God to fulfill a mission. Even though i have so much temptation every Lent Season & Christmas Season, but "HE" will help me to get through all this.

I can't be with someone, but i always can be with God. I just need faith in him, love to others more & hoping that everyone will live happily.

How great being such a busy me, need to continue my work then went to sleep. How i wish if i can just continue to do my work & no need to sleep, but i can't. Well, need to continue my work...love work...

It's a new journey after all

2011-04-12T04:20:00.002+08:00

For the 1st day of my new journey to a new places, at beginning it was okay. But suddenly comes to a difficulties & i even keep thinking until reach home. I really feels want to run away, but i decide not to run instead.

I want to get busy than ever, well..it just the 1st day...so, i'm looking forward what happen next when there's no one there for you except yourself. Like i always do, doing something alone is not easy but you will get use to it.

I just need to hope & have faith in my self, hopefully everything going to be just fine. I just have get use to it, but i also don't want people makes me want to quit. Even though i miss those day where i still surrounded by people that i get use to, but now another new challenge.

Until i can reach this far is more than enough, i don't care if people won't help me or make me an invisible but for sure i will keep on survive.

Stomach Ache

2011-04-11T03:28:00.002+08:00

oh Gosh i wake up at 3am & rushing to toilet again for the 2nd time, oh no... my journey is begin today... but my mum gave me some medicine & it has some funny taste..but i just try it & let see how it works...

I can't believe this is happening again, really effect my energy & time. My body can't stand it to & it effect me for a very2 long time.. i don't want back to my skinny type of body again.

I need head back to sleep before it getting started again....*sigh*...

The Green Connection

2011-04-05T01:33:00.004+08:00

I've been planning to go here with someone but not anymore...as you all know...but i manage to went there by myself. My solo drive to The Green Connection, it's really a cool place.

I want to go back there, to dive in with the shark & turtle. Got so many huge aquarium & way better than TV, i can spend the rest of my day there. Not only that, it have so many planting coral & some kids activities or what they called Science Dome.

I really enjoy my time there, everybody is so friendly. Oh..the Fee is RM15 for adult & RM10 for kids. Trust me on this, you'll never regret it. Mosquito bites is really worth it, perhaps next journey to Perikanan Babagon. If only i've got time, need to plan it again.

Sony Alpha Workshop - 3rd April 2011

2011-04-04T02:03:00.002+08:00

I was attending the Sony Alpha Workshop with my cousin that afternoon, because of curiosity i just attend it for learning purposes even though i really don't have the camera. Everyone is quite new to me, some of them are from Sandakan & Tawau. That's so amazing, they flew here just to attend the 3 hours & a half minute workshop. Really need to build that kind of spirit among them, even though just for a short while, i learn so much without camera.

I really enjoy to see how all the photographers take a shoot with their own style, some of them are really funny. Everyone have their own trademark, with a logo or their name on it. Because my cousin invite me to the workshop, i thought about the fee. Luckily it's FOC, then i was wondering why it is FOC. Because i seldom see an organization of the DSLR group is FOC, then i wonder is NIKON & CANON group would do such thing? hm...

Some more they even give away prizes, of course sony's brand. Meeting new friend & gain an experience, i feels so great. I can't wait to get busy again, then get exhausted & get to sleep without thinking.

Work..Work..Work...

2011-04-03T00:44:00.002+08:00

Just arrive home, really exhausted. But i guess it's really mean something for me during this weekend, i thought i can rest at home but i just can't refuse to accept another work or another task. I think i can't have my own time to rest at all, i know it's not good for my health, but i guess i just can't stay & doing nothing or else i will think too much again & again.

Today i met my ex colleague, we're having our lunch at Upperstar lintas, another lesson to be learn & another inspired word to be hold. I just want to be patience about life & just having fun with my life now, there's nothing wrong being alone again, rite? So, i just be that way. Even though people accuse me something that i didn't do, it's like i'm the one whose hurt in front of everybody. I was alone & no one there for me or support me, i guess i really don't deserve any of it. By they look at me, i can read their eyes. I know i don't deserve to be with him but i'm grateful having him as my friend even for a short while.

I thought that i've already wrap all my play role, but i guess after another week, i'll begin my new path of life again. Another new role to move on, new places for me to stay without pain & memories. Until now, i still doing some of my work, it must be done. While blogging, i was searching for a song & a scale for work. I can't stand it but i get use to it, wow! how the time can change me into a really busy person from the day he left.

My friend can't imagine how i'm handling it all in one, perhaps i'm just afraid if i ever think of those memories again. But sometimes when i'm asleep, my work can appear into my dreams, oh God, how can this be. Then, i can suddenly wake up & start to do my work again or searching for a source in the internet. Hopefully i can manage my time with my friends even for a short while, work & family is my priority now, but sometimes family matter not much but when comes to cousin's2 wedding, i have to help a bit. After that, will continue my work again, how i wish i can sit in front of TV & eating tons of junk food, hehehe...Not!...i don't even have a time to eat junk food anymore. I miss yoyo actually, even though just having it with mimie yesterday, but i don't feel the taste at all.

I think i'm into critical situation right now....hehehe....my eyes really sore already, need to get some sleep. I ever slept on my desk some more.. than when i woke up, i'm continuing my work.

hahaha...i know i'm so ridiculous...i don't know why i 've changed that way.

Okay peeps, i can't stand it anymore, need some sleep. until the next post (^.*)

The night

2011-04-02T02:48:00.002+08:00

Wow...this week really packed. My cousin's birthday still is the blast, spending time with Jamie & friends. I still can manage my schedule early of April, i don't know what to do. I'm still in blurry mode & exhausted. I just feel want to spending the rest of my time at home but i can't.

How i wish everything is already done, but even weekend i still have to run not walk. I guess i really need this to fill the emptiness inside me. I have clash event this weekend & the event i have to attend even though it's just a half hour.

People saw me & say that i am getting thin, in fact it's not. How i wish to be thin after all, or pretty enough...kekeke...need to pamper my self now. Love myself more & get over all the emotion even though we know it will take a long time. Just pretending that is okay & nothing happen is the thing that hard for me to do. I'm not good at pretending, cause if i know it's fake, then i will pretend fake. So no need to pretending, i just go on with the flow. If i said that i see you invisible, that's for keeping me from getting hurt all over again.

Well, it's time to go...need to run this afternoon until late evening again. A month for me to make the "love visit" to old folks, the handicap people & to the sick. Start to give more than accepting, it's the thing that i want to do early of this year. Will make it happen slowly, hopefully any of my friends can accompany me to make it happen.

Because make people happy is also make me happy, want to take their picture with a smile on their face is also part of my plan. (^.*)

Workaholic + Exhausted

2011-03-30T19:13:00.003+08:00

Wow, it's been a while i've been keep busying myself with tons of work or with a packed of schedule. Even though i'm at home, i keep looking for something to do. If i didn't do anything, i will keep missing him & even can't forget about him. But i decided to let him go, and i did. I don't want to wait anymore, i hate waiting. So i move on, surrounding me is invisible now. I can't even see a people's face like last time.

Until this month end, i will keep on working. I can't even breathe & still sick. How i wish this sickness is cure immediately, it's almost a month i've been struggling for this sickness & work.

I am exhausted but i guess it's really pay off my time, another new month to begin my new career.

i'm counting my time now, but i don't want to say goodbye, i won't say goodbye to my new friend. They always be my best friend, even though just for a short while.

I just have to stand still until the very last month & i can breathe a bit & manage another month by month activities, i really need to get over it. but i miss my shaun the sheep. Hopefully there's still selling the shaun the sheep doll. I really do love that thing, i just want that thing to keep me company while doing my work.

This Lent season really so many test, why so many people get hurt? enough that only me get hurt, not to others too....i can't stand it when i know my friends or cousin get hurt, Funny right...but that's me...concern about others than me....I want them to be happy than me...Hopefully my wish will come true...

To the backstabber's & the people that visit my blog & keep on giving the nasty comment, oh well, you know the way out. Stop disturbing people's live & mind your own business, remember that i didn't ever disturb your life. God Bless

It's His Birthday

2011-03-27T00:45:00.002+08:00

Hm...i was always thinking about him because of his day, that's why i keep on thinking. i do not wish to think, but my mind just can stop. but i need to focus on my dear cousin birthday, i need to keep myself busy more.

Did i wish him? oh yes, early of this month actually. I wish him an advance birthday wish, because i don't want to bother him on his birthday. I want to wish him so badly, but i can't. I just pray for him on his birthday & always keep in mind that he already with someone.

I think i already move on now, missing him is just for a sec but truly hard to forget. I will make it transparent again, the same way i used to be last time.

I want to make people happy so that i can be happy again.

Happy Birthday To You!

Reading..Reading...Reading...

2011-03-25T11:30:00.002+08:00

Wow...time really pass so fast, i really didn't realize that my time is coming soon. My life is back to basic again, i'm spending my whole life at home every time when i already reach home + i haven't recover from my sickness too.

I wonder why i still haven't recover from all the hurt feelings, haiz....but my time at home i spend it on reading. Until i forgot about surfing internet, FB is the most site that i visited. But i prefer here on blog & twitter. Much better to write or read quote.

I begin to be a book addict already, sometimes i still miss him but i believe i will let him go. Sometimes the book really taught me about life, and also why we become like this. so, better i just stay at home so that i don't feel hurt or met people or a guy some more. I will met them when God is prepare for me to go.

But for sure...next month will be my new journey but i won't say goodbye to my friends. They still my best friend, even though for a short while. Love you all (^.*)

I Know What i Deserve

2011-03-20T20:45:00.002+08:00

I know i deserve to be happy.

I know i deserve to be with someone.

I know i deserve to smile, laugh, mad, or cry.

I know i deserve everything that i want to do now.

I know i deserve the best of anything.

I know i deserve to forget the past.

I know i deserve to live now.

I know i deserve everything to make myself happy, but i just need sometimes to have a peace & heal heart. I need to make myself whole again, no one will make me whole from now on. I guess time will heal everything, just like last time.

When comes to my thoughts now, i think i need sometime to think what have happen. I believe everything happen for a reason, maybe inside of me is terrified of everything. I even can't say a word now days, i can't fake my face in front of people because i can't do it anymore. When it comes to love, i can't lie for anything. I'm not good at lying, but when people ask me what wrong, perhaps i will lie by telling i'm fine.

The more i said i love, is the quickest we falling apart. That's why i couldn't say it to their face, i just keep it inside my heart now. I guess smiling is always the best to hide something deep inside, need to find some remedy.

When will this fever + flu + cough will be gone...i just can't stand it anymore...

The Today Thoughts..

2011-03-16T22:02:00.002+08:00

The thought..

~Perhaps love will always some kind of definitions

~Perhaps for both, one of them will always be broken & one of them will fly...

~Perhaps for the time being, people will accuse me for having a boyfriend..well i'm not that kind of desperate person. I don't date people anymore.

~Perhaps even my cousin or people that really close to me is blaming me this time, but it's okay..perhaps they should.

~Perhaps he already forgotten about me after all, kind of miss him too.

~Perhaps if it is matter, i will not stop thinking of it.

~Perhaps if there's a chance or hope, i will hold it with both hands.

~Perhaps times will swap away my tears & erase my memory to him.

~Perhaps his memory about me already been erase permanently.

~Perhaps if he ask me to let it go, i will let it go for him.

~Perhaps where i stand now, i will stand tough & go ahead.

~Perhaps something is playing with me, but i never play a game with you.

~Perhaps the one i'm looking for is limited, as far as i can see, most of them i've already met.

~Perhaps they look at me as a failure or some kind of loser, well...i've been hurt in front of everybody.

~Perhaps in the of God, HIS word really powerful.

~Perhaps i just have to offer my life to him.

~Perhaps all of my thoughts today, is cause by LOVE

Ash Wednesday (^.*)

2011-03-09T15:51:00.002+08:00

Happy ASH Wednesday To ALL!!

Today i'm taking half day leave, i'm going to church. Another lonely day to church, but i know God is there with me.

My Confession & My Easter day will be just the same as last year, lonely again. Hopefully he is happy to celebrate with his new one.

I haven't check my FB & haven't keep in touch with some of my friends. Some is "kumaus" & some say that didn't hear from me, even "kena culik pun kami nda tau", gosh...kekeke...really "Kumaus" oh them...some say i'm "sombong"...alala.not that lah..just happen that i'm get into some situation that can't make me focus on doing anything.

But hopefully everything going to be just Fine, We're still friends, no doubt about that. Even though he didn't reply any of my text, but i was wondering what have i done to make him so hate me? why didn't he honestly say it out loud to my face? If that's what his "RC" is about, then i can't even help anything at all.

It's okay for you to hates me, but don't hate my family members. Thanks

It's a relief when he kept his promise.

Instead...

2011-03-08T00:02:00.002+08:00

Instead of Jogging at Perdana park Tg. Aru every night, i went to Stella Marris Prayer room to pray. I have forgotten what i'm suppose to be doing long time ago, i have forgotten who i am lately.

Hopefully everything is gong to be just fine now, need to be strong all over again. Even though it really hurt you a lot, but it's the experience & love's that count.

I Ask Jesus "How Much Do you Love Me?"

HE stretched his hand & Die

So, that much the Love is for you too. I hope you would understand.

I'm Happy Enough..

2011-03-06T22:47:00.001+08:00

I've seen him just now, just for a sec. But it is enough for me to see him & i also give him the gift that i've created before, suppose giving him on Christmas day last year, but i haven't got enough time to create it.

I'm happy enough that he will see it & hopefully he will throw it away soon. Cause i know he don't have that feeling towards me anymore, & it's for his own good. But i can watch it everytime i want it, still have a copy of it.

I'm happy enough to know that he still can be my cousin's friend, & knowing that all my best friend is getting their partner in this march. I'm planning to do the last party for my best friend & family, no more hard feelings, no more misunderstood, still get involve in any event.

I have too many March birthday list, so i can just combine it together for the last time. It's my last request to them, before i can move on. Perhaps now i can get a job to KL, i haven't told anyone about this...Perhaps Love really change a lot of people personalities after all, when people said love is blind, unfortunately love also deaf....kekeke...

When the love begin..(^.*)

2011-03-04T18:55:00.004+08:00

My love begin when i'm starting to give him a gift, i think he doesn't know about it at all. when i really concern about him, i think all he think that i was playing some kind of game with him. I'm started to do that when he started to tell me about his feeling & i really want to do something for him but i just don't know how.

He never told me what he like, he didn't mention what his family like. How i wish i can meet them and get close to them, so i know what he like. I was really feel want to care everything what he is doing, i've plan something to make him happy. It seem it won't work at all.

I was about to make a decision to follow him back to his hometown during chinese new year, i didn't know what to say. It seem that he just playing with me during that night, how i wish to follow him back to his hometown. I know i'm a bit too far already, but i guess having that feeling can changes everything or anything,even though how stubborn i am.

Together i can be with him last time, but it seem it just useless. How i wish he can see me be the emcee of our CNY event that night. I couldn't say it, cause of he didn't seem interested to know it after all.

Silly me, when i was thinking if i were his wife, & almost get ready to be one before. but everything it's done. Perhaps now he really happy with someone new, someone that better than me & someone that know what he like.

Perhaps he really doesn't love me after all, or he wouldn't remember me after all. Perhaps all the gift that i give him, he already throw it away. Who knows...do you know that how it's break my heart when my first picture with him at the beach is gone due to my dopod phone is broken . then i want my pic with him at his house, it was the first time i went to his place.

I am regret it right now, but at least i've told everything what is deep in my heart. For your information I still miss & love him. But it may take time to forget, just like last time relationship.

One of my friend said, we will change when we are fall in love & willing to grow with love. Since i met him, i know what is love is all about, i think it has changes my life too.

Thank God that both of my best friend got someone the love or like. So, left me alone to find someone that love me again. I will do anything to make him feel happy, even if its takes me to beg for someone he to be with him.

I didn't open my Facebook anymore, because i'm afraid that i might see his status has change & afraid that i couldn't take it or worst cry out loud. To Him, please be happy on behalf of me & who ever with him, please make him happy on behalf of me. I believe she is better than me. I Love all of you.

I just hope that moment when i'm with him, he will never forget. When thinking of him , i was really happy. When i'm with him i even more happy, but only my heart know how the love to him is growing stronger & need to crash it again.

I miss & Love You but don't worry i know my limit. God Bless You Dear (i've been waiting to say that word to him, but i've got no chance to say it.)

God Say "Be Patience" (^.*)

2011-03-02T21:38:00.002+08:00

Actually i don't know what to post, maybe because i'm still hurt or maybe i'm still blur. But i guess i'm okay. I remember the priest once said "cinta itu perlu ada kematangan nya", so i just wait & be patience about that.

My Aunt also once told me long time ago, "Let God Decide what happen to you, You've done what you could, Don't worry, God is with you. He always open your eyes when you need it". I did saw what HE want me to see, since my last ex Bf situation. I saw it with my own eyes & nothing could explain it. Now, i've been into that again. Now it twice, why the day i want it so badly is the day i know the truth. I was too late, & nothing else matter.

I just have to carry on & be patience. I guess another 2 years of healing process again. Oh God, why this keep happening to me...well..Friends Forever (^.*)

What about it? (^.*)

2011-02-28T22:46:00.003+08:00

I was in the SMC hospital today, while waiting for the doctor, i saw so many parents with their kids.

I really feel sorry for their kids, really weak & very sick. Then, come one man with his son, it really touch me.

He came with his son without a wife, he carry his son all the way to see the doctor. But luckily the nurse really helpful & manage to put his son into that thing, gosh....i didn't know what it called. I only can see this man with his beloved son, no one is waiting for them. I believe every parents is also full of love but i didn't see it the way i see that man with his son. If single mother is a normal thing, then what about the single father?

I really hope that i can meet a man just like him someday, i want to help him but i can't. Afraid enough to volunteering myself once. I ask the nurse to settle all the patient, then it will be my turn.

I love to meet someone that loves kids, having that parenthood hearted, kind & most importantly "family comes 1st".

That day i ever tell him that i couldn't sleep, but when i try to sleep, there's something whispering "be patience & you'll be okay". After listening to that whisper, i felt relieve & i can sleep well for a while.

So, maybe i just need to be patience and just wait what will happen next. Even though my relationship with him is not working, but i believe there's a feel somewhere, or just perhaps i also can't describe it. What ever happen, i hope it'll be okay.

Love is Everywhere (^.*)

2011-02-27T20:56:00.003+08:00

A story of a player & met a untold story of a girl. She was sick & can't live long, this player seem to be just take an advantage of her intelligent. But he fall for her, he stop hangout with the other players. The girl told him that she was sick & can't live long enough, the guy feeling very scared for her. Until he ask the girl "aren't you afraid?", the girl answer "death? i'm scared if i'm not with you".

The guy didn't leave her alone, he even get to fulfill her dreams & that is "get marry in the church". I bet all of you familiar with the story right? "A Walk To Remember", but this is also similar to all people that i know. It's really touching when you saw a couple said their vow in the church, but it's really mean something for the couple.

The very powerful meaning of love:

~ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, Love never fail ~I Corinthians 13:4-8

But i guess i lack too many of it, but still on going with it. Love really pure but somehow it depends on us how to do it. I've been in love, been hurt, i've been through so many things that experience which i need to learn from it. Being in love is really great, but when you can't be together, it still hurt with love to let them go.

My heart will go on, my love also real & i will take care of my heart. Still in love & i believe it will gone slowly, just like my previous experience. It's been 3 yrs now, i manage to move on & let it go. I'm so proud of it, Thanks to him that helps me to forget about my past.

I think my blog really listening to me when i have something to say out loud, that's why we call this blog "freedom of speech". I know this sound really pathetic, but that's me. My self & i need to figure something to let everything go, i don't want to hope foe someone that i will lose it someday. Friends forever.....Miss him too....again i said it to him, even though i already make a promise not to say it to him anymore..i just couldn't help it. But at least it's only texting, not face to face.

My mum was right, people will easily get bored if keep to close with me. So, maybe if i met him again, i will said it out loud & leave once & for all. I guess not...hahaha...confusing sometimes...so sorry to my heart...i make it so complicated.

Well, i guess God have another big plans for me to fulfill. He always with me & He always open my eyes what i need to know & see. I see it very clearly (^.*) Praise the Lord

My thought (^.*)

2011-02-27T00:10:00.003+08:00

It's been a while i haven't blogging, until my friend remind me to update the other day. This early year i've been really having a bad & good time. My precious moment with him is for sure, holdings hands together which make me really afraid at first but act cool. It's funny but that's the last i guess, cause i can't get along with him.

I think he got other commitment, so i just let him go. I want him to be happy, no more hold to that feelings. Even though it hurt at first, but i guess that is the best i can do for him. I know i've done just a little for him, but hopefully it's enough for him to have such a little memory of me. We didn't get into the relationship, but i know we're friend.

My friend ask me if there's any chance to be with him or something is going to happen between us, what about it? I really thought that so many times, i've already reject it twice if i'm not mistaken. But if the third time he ask me again, perhaps if it is fate...what can i do....just feeling so bad to make people hoping.

My past relationship didn't end up well, perhaps that's make me really afraid to give another shot for it. Even though it's really hard to express how i feel when the broke up begin, but i have to be strong & move on. Perhaps i also can't move on but i just go ahead, i know my feels towards him is there but i also feel that we can't be together. Just like my previous relationship, i know it's hard to forget but that's what bring the great memory.

You know what, i've been keep telling him so many times & even promise him that i won't bother him anymore, i promise not to meet him anymore, and many kind of promises. But i can't do it, perhaps this time is for real.

I've been struggling with this situation from last year, meeting him was a bless. Since i met him, everything has changes. I've become more happier & almost forgot what's really make me sad last time. I know my cousin or my family wanted me to find someone for my entire life, but i guess it's not gonna happen.

Until I know that he's not interested in me anymore, that's fine, even though it's hurt. But i'm glad he had that thought. Just like my instinct tells me, we won't be along. Even if we are together right now, I know i will lose him for sure. Cause he will found someone that he's looking for.

Being such a friend & having a great time or a short time with him is more than enough. I will never forget that moment, a moment that 1st time he met me. Thank you for everything.

God Bless Him (^.*)

For Now, I just can smile. Nothing else i can do...just miss him.

CNY 2011

2011-02-15T12:32:00.003+08:00

This year Chinese new year a bit lousy to me, as usual, most of it were last minute. Starting with the preparations & the celebration, it's kinda fun but really make me exhausted in the end.

I didn't plan it well, but it goes very well. The lion's dance make the day whole, that's the symbol of every year CNY. The fireworks keep on happening for the whole month of CNY, it's really happening than New year.

I don't like this year CNY because of some people make me very upset during the preparation & the celebration. But most of all, i've blessed it all. (^.*)

I Don't want to say Goodbye

2011-01-07T14:05:00.003+08:00

I don't want to say goodbye, in fact i hate to say it. But i have to, how to say the words without hurting people or make us feel sad at all.

It's really a goodbye from me, don't want to say it. But i have to say it when the times is come, will miss everything here. Love them all & miss their laugh.

I really gonna feel really sad for this year, i just can feel it. Have that instinct, even there where too many happy hour, i couldn't be that kind of pure anymore, just like last year. No one to talk with & left me alone , so i went home early & silently.

Actually i miss that moment that i can laugh out loud, it's that i receive so many bad news & even just now. I don't have someone to share with anymore. call me anything, but u will get & u will know how am i feel.

The goodbye story will be continue when the time is come. I should prepare for neutral feeling after this month. Leaving all the promises that i make & forget all the promise that he promise, Just like i did when i already broke up with my ex. I do feel it's really a waste, but what to do...i can't turn back time......back to solo mode again. No more sharing stories, no more deep feels & carry all the hurt then just survive.

His Not Interested (^.*)

2011-01-07T11:48:00.003+08:00

Hehehe...i think all of you get bored with my blog now, just something inside the heart need to release. Last night i've try to chat with him, but it's only for the information & i knew it then that he's not interested at all. Silly me...

Oh well, my life...Actually i want to bring him to my friend's wedding reception at Tuaran-Tenghilan which is i didn't know the direction of her house. But i guess he will not interested, i know i can call or text him through hand phone, i've lost his number..that's why..it was an accident , after the new year day..my phone was falling apart, it fall from my car. When i restart it, it's been reset all. I only can remember some of them, but i can't remember his. If i ask my cousin, what they will think? cause they know that we were close before.. i want to ask him last night but i'm just afraid.

Looks like he didn't have interest to chat or reply, so i need to back off. He never reply my email some more, not like the old times. I still keep his message at my FB inbox... So, i guess tomorrow event have to be solo drive again. I hope nothing bad happen, it can count on my solo drive list too right...

Oh no..please get out of my head...hopefully his number still got on my sim card...Wish me luck so i won't get lost K...(^.*) still miss him(^.*) "Not a chance dear..get over it" ...okay..okay...i'm trying.......

Dinner @ Upperstar Lintas

2011-01-05T23:44:00.005+08:00

I'm having dinner with my ex colleague at Upperstar Lintas , i really miss her & we didn't even get to meet last year, which is really wasted. but we manage to meet after all. After She's getting engage & after i already resign from my previous work with her, we haven't get a chance to see each other. Because she already have someone to take care of & when i recall my 1st day of work with her last time, we both feels like in common, i know more about her & she know about me.

That time when i was still in healing process from my previous hurting relationship, i think i have the most worst moment. But i'm not alone, she also having some issue with her fiance, which is i didn't know how she do it but i really salute her because she can stand it. But she told me just now that she's tired of waiting & telling how was their situation right now, what can i say the temptation of engagement is not simple as their thought. I also getting scared of being engage, afraid of men cheating or having affair with somebody else.

The coincidence that we had was, we crying on 31st Dec 2010 last year, crying for men. hahaha..we bough laugh about it...but i can see through her eyes & i know how it feel when you fiance not honest, her fiance told his mother that he met a girl & their getting close. He didn't told his fiance but his mother told her. I can see through her eyes having do much pain get through it alone. We just can't understand men, their already have someone that soon to be his wife. What else they want? spare part? scandal? Even though he said they were just a friend, but most of the time he spending the texting & chatting or hangout more with the friend than soon to be his wife.

They suppose to get married last year, but always postpone because of this issue. Well, she can't wait for that long, she also tired of waiting. I know she still loves him, but i guess the fiance didn't appreciate her at all. What else he want? she already been that loyal to him, but when she text to a friend, then her fiance will get temper on her when he found out. I just wondering, if the guy can text a friend then why the girl can't text a friend? She was texting with me lah...

She told me that she won't wait any longer, she's tired of waiting. If her fiance didn't do anything about it, then she call it off. I'm just wishing her all the best in life & get her happiness. Another hint for me & another lesson for me to learn about others.

Then, i forgot everything that i have to do including buying something at Servay. Will go today after work, promise...hopefully not that very jam...my leg & my foot hurt....

I think i need to think about getting into relationship again, so afraid that same thing happen to me. Hopefully, her fiance will figure something out before it's too late or even worst he will lose her most precious wife to be. That might not be a good news...i don't want that make her really sad or broken. i want the best for her, just pray for her happiness too.

(^.*)

2011-01-05T15:20:00.003+08:00

Hm...Too many mix feeling, too many emotional this day. I think I should stop it here already, i know it's no hope. So, i just let it be, no more feelings towards people. If we're really meant to be, then it is...if not, just wishing him all the best in life.

I already keep it & waited for him, i don't want to wait for another two years like my previous relationship. I've been wasting my time, now, who ever wants to be part of my life, i've just have to try to accept it. Let me create the love with somebody who willing to love me as i am (^.*)

I don't want to wait anymore, i hate waiting. Waiting for something won't come back. But for sure i'm still his friend, no matter what.

HE is watching over me

2011-01-04T21:21:00.006+08:00

Well, i don't know how to express my happy feelings right now, i would like to share it with him, but i know..not a chance...i'm really happy about the news.."do you know how happy i am?"..but when?
hm..i haven't figure that out, but for sure i move on.

Looking back my experience with falling down, God always there to help me & carry me until i can stand again, HE really answer my prayer. Today, HE answer my prayer again, with all my heart i really blessed, i know i'm not a perfect Christian but i still have faith to HIM. I know my vision is true, i can see it. God's really open my eyes to see what i should know & find the clue if i still haven't got the answer.

Talking about vision, i still can't find any of the clue about it. Why is it always comes to my dreams? The dream still haunting me, who? which? when? where?. I just hope nothing bad happen or maybe i was just too late to figure it out & it already happened....I believe people couldn't believe this but it already got into me since i was a kid, it's really tiring but i get use to it. People that believe in me or know about me...they call it a gift.

When i was so happy about the news, i getting really excited until something fall down from my book shelf, & the things that falls down make me even happier, even though it still haven't given yet. It was a gift that i should give him on the new year eve, but i guess maybe some other right time or maybe on his birthday. Perhaps i just forget about it, i know he wouldn't accept it, so i just keep my eyes look at it & so the Shaun the sheep.

So, i should keep it first. I also asking God to help me to say hi to him & pray for his happiness (^.*) The more we do good thing to other people, the more makes us happy.

The Last Lecture really inspired me about living your life & treasure your life with friends & family. I really want to be like him, dream something big & make it reality. He struggle his life with a cancer, ten tumor in his lung. The way he survive & the way he enjoying his life makes people really respect him. He just an ordinary people like us but he gain his PHD in Computer science, he is a professor. I just continue reading it.

Finally, the hacker accomplish their mission by making my FB lock. I couldn't log in, they can make it disappear, & i have to deal with it every time when i can log in. tired...i guess it really attract them by my "sumandaks" friends list...hehehe

Oh, i forgot to mention about my solo rosary prayer at Stella Marris church, i'm spending a time with God almost every night. If you want to come & pray with me..just come...i won't bite (^.*)

I'm afraid of by opening my FB, i might read something sarcastic post from him again, so i don't dare to open...hehehe...call me coward, i am really afraid of so many things that might hurt me again. So, until i'm ready, then i open. Beside the hacker is waiting for me perhaps....

I know what i am saying at my blog is a bunch of crap, but that's what i feel , honesty from me.
My friend saw me heading to church & they ask where am i going, so i tell them. The funny thing is, they didn't reply after i'm telling them i'm heading to the church. oh well, that's life..i know some of them thought "i'm back on track"...kekeke...yeah..

After that i forgot the Servay hypermarket, which i need to buy something. haiz...need to go tomorrow. It's also because of my foot & my legs really in pain during jamm...(^.*)

Asking For HIS Guidance (^.*)

2011-01-03T22:47:00.003+08:00

Just now, i was replying a friend's comment on my "should i take a shot?" pages. So, i am asking for HIS guidance every time when in depression or heart broken. So, just now i saw he tagged me a pic of my cousin engagement day. I was so happy about it, but yet i must get over it. I don't want to comment anything from his pic, but i couldn't help it when i saw my cousin's pic & yet it's really funny. But it's only for temporary, i shouldn't keep look at it.

Like i said, if only i have more time......Just now, my friend called me & i ask "what will you do if you have only a day left to live?" They say " i would like to be at the top of the highest hill or mountain that i can see the view"... i ask them because i still haven't figure what i would do, i know the answer with your love one, until then...if i still haven't got one...where am i on that day?

But for sure, i want to get to Kaingaran retreat. So, i can feel relief & leaving the hurt heart broken behind. I don't want to get this far, i already say everything to him. But yet he still hates me,

"Dear God,In this very tight moment of mine. I wish who ever read my blog will gain their happiness without emptiness, Forgive our sins, let their be light to guide us to be strong enough to carry all the temptation & burdens , give us the power of love to make others feel loved. Amen"

Should I give it a shot? (^.*)

2011-01-03T20:32:00.002+08:00

Just now, i manage to check on my Facebook, i saw him online too, but as usual with his old habit, he will never talk to me even online or texting anymore. Before the new year, my friend tell me that it's okay to give it a shot, and i really think about it. But just now i saw his post with a sarcastic word & i know it's meant for me, then i lost the hope again.

My friend tell me that if i'm really in love with him, i should try to call or text him again. But i guess we've done, my heart crack into a zillion pieces again after got the sarcastic message. Well, that's my faith to him. I know i shouldn't write this down, because it's really private for us. But i don't have a friend to talk with, so i leave it to this blog.

Perhaps, some other love. Just let it go...i shouldn't come back with that, i shouldn't thought about that, i shouldn't have the moment, because the memory keep me thinking of him. I just should go, & never return. I know my time is soon enough, but i love him & i just let it be buried in my heart for while. Let it gone naturally. Just hoping a very best for him & also to my friend.

Perhaps i should let the people who still keep his love towards me & give them a chance. I don't know who, but i know it's out there. Someday will enter my life for good, i guess i should attend for Kaingaran Retreat. Be with God all the time, went to church alone again. Until my destiny were found, I miss him a lot..Thanks for everything. (^.*)

2nd January 2011

2011-01-02T15:22:00.003+08:00

Well, i'm suppose to attend Abg Shamad Wedding Reception at Kg. Meruntum Putatan which is i didn't know where, but i already ask the directions & still couldn't make it. Sorry Abg Shamad, but congratulations anyway. The fact is, i didn't promise with him that i would come.

Abg Shamad is like our brother from the MOST CENTRE training for MCSE course, because he was the older from us. Wow..i'm glad i met such a friend that still remember me after so many years. In fact is, i'm having a bad fever & many kind of symptoms after the New Year. Yesterday i still can pull myself & manage to keep my promise for my dearest engagement friend. Even though they having some huge problem & an accident happen. But it was not on purpose, i've still can't get it out my head because it's include kids.

When i return from home after sending my cousin Emily last night, i have this serious cold. Which i can't even move, i get all my pillows or whatever on my bed including my new playmate shaun the sheep to keep me warm.

So today, i'm still having it but i can manage to keep moving & breathe. That's why i'm not attending the reception. But still i have to pull my self together because i need to settle something , because tomorrow i'm start working. the only time i have is today.

Oh well, i still keep on missing him until it will gone naturally, just like the old times. This morning i was watching "If Only" movies, i really love that movie. I am a very sensitive person, tears will always comes out. I am such a cry baby after all, well that's me. Love the songs too..i just can't get enough of it, i love to watch it over & over again.

Then i was wonder, if i am really sick, and i have only a day to live, how am i going through it? the answer is the same answer what "Samantha told her boyfriend" inside the story "If Only". The answer is "Do nothing but spend a quality time with someone that you love & appreciate the time", i'm saying this but it's not like i'm going to leave the world soon, not yet...hopefully not this year! I already promise to all of you i'm going to get married right...Hopefully i still have some quality time for the one i miss. I don't want to be this sick, but it's already keep repeating everyday. It's really tiring, perhaps people see me on the outside like i'm a healthy person, but inside...well..let's just say got a huge problem....that's why i also afraid of when i already get married, perhaps i couldn't have a baby at all.

I really have so much to accomplish, but hopefully i'm doing just fine. Now, i'm having my lollipops while blogging. Talking about lollipops, i wonder how's that lollipops that give him after he's winning the bet, hm..perhaps he already throw it or giving someone else..oh well, why am i concern about him again? hey...wake up...i'm nothing for him already, that's last year...perhaps this year he won't recognize me anymore...hahaha...well, just be professional & let it be...just go with the flow...just be happy as long as i live, because i just having limited time to live. Maybe tomorrow, the day after...who knows....i'm just carry on....

But when i do have to choose to build a family, i don't want to live with them for just a couple of month, if God's will..well..i have to accept..we can't cheat on faith...

My computer got huge problem, one of my Hard disc is damage ...i have to transfer all of my files to the other one...when comes to computers, i just give up...enough already....or i will destroy the whole of it...kekeke...

My facebook also got a major problem, why the hackers didn't hack others account, why mine must they hack...perhaps to many "sumandaks" inside my list?...i'm giving up for this too...if happens my FB account suddenly MIA...trust me...i didn't do anything or perhaps i have to deactivate it within a day...really makes me stress out...

Hahaha..i guess i have no one to talk with or to chat with anymore...so i let it all out to my blog...pity my blog....oh well, i'm glad how useful is this.....

Me & most of my previous colleague are looking for the better opportunity this year, we would love to succeed together. It's only during working hours i can communicate with them at skype, then after work at home do nothing..or recovering...

Telling the truth, i'm still feeling this year is just the same as last year, i can feel i'm still on last year...but when i write down something on my calender book...the date is different...got 2011 in it..well, maybe i just love last year...i discover so many things...learn new things...hopefully this year got much more to come...a new adventure, i have to add up my solo drive this year....a place that i never been to..

But for sure Friends & family the the most important, if i'm attending somewhere, please be there with me...my health too...even worst than last year, i don't want to fall sick until i couldn't walk or hard to breathe anymore....just want to be good to other people... (^.*)

What are you looking for? (^.*)

2011-01-02T00:28:00.003+08:00

I went to my best friend's sister engagement day, one of her cousin ask me

C: why you still single?"

ME: Is that a crime?"

C: No lah, it just seem too many people that younger than you all is getting engage, getting married a year after, Tell me what is your requirement for get into relationship?(tulunglah..teda soalan lain ka ni?)

ME: (then, my silly thought is coming) ehem...i just need a man, not a boy with a humble, honest, loyal & can make my heart melt every time i see him or with Him...But don't worry about me, that's between me & God, i believe God is preparing for me now...(kakaka...just want to makes people's mouth shut)

C: (silent)...if that so, hopefully find one & don't forget to invite me (Tulunglah Tuhan...sempat lagi)

ME: (keep fooling around) Already found, but he is missing in action...don't know where he'd gone...

C: Ahh?!! BAHAYA ko ni....hahaha

ME: (laugh out Loud)

Aiya...this question always came to us (single ladies) , just to find a way to keep their mouth shut...my early new year question??!!...To tell you the truth, when people asking about my requirement for get into relationship is none actually, i never thought of that. As long as i'm happy with or can share the rest of my life....that's more than enough...but the man must be someone that can be depend on..well..to handle a family is not easy & it comes with a faith (^.*)

Everything is come with faith, because i believe when get into relationship, engage, or even getting married after will get so much temptation that need to be strong enough to hold it.

When i think about my previous relationship, it was really hurtful. It's like in my mind, when you start a relationship, it means you are ready to get hurt...hm....when think about it, i have to face so many event regarding engagement & wedding reception this year. I think i need to find someone to pretend to be my bf..hahaha..but i don't do such thing, i will let everyone knows as soon as i got one (^.*)

Well, don't worry i can promise you that i will getting engage & getting married..That's a promise!(tapi klu nda jadi, biarlah ah..mungkin umur sia 40thn baru ada jodoh, ok juga bah)

Rosalia & Darell Engagement Day - 1st January 2011

2011-01-01T22:52:00.003+08:00

During New Year (^.*)

2011-01-01T22:42:00.002+08:00

Hm..i don't have anything to describe for the new year celebration, but i only can tell you that in the evening i went to my grandma's house, because they have a community gathering & got carolings too.

At 11pm, i went home & celebrate alone again like every year. When i'm about to open my Fb, cause i promise that my countdown new year is on FB. So i did it, i heard the sound of fireworks outside my house, when i open up my window...i saw so many colorful fireworks at the sky.

I really love to see the fireworks. While watching the fireworks, it's remind me of something & it's really deep but have to move on & carry on...it's the memory of every new year....i miss it so much! I hope my wish for him will come true this year (^.*)

Attraversiamo (^.*)

2011-01-01T00:41:00.002+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 ALL (^.*)

AT THE BEGINNING
[Donna]
We were strangers, starting out on a journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

[Richard]
No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my heart

[Both]
When I lost hope, you were there to remind me
This is the start

And life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

[Donna]
We were strangers on a crazy adventure
[Richard]
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
[Both]
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

[Repeat Chorus]

I knew there was somebody, somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

[Repeat Chorus]

[Richard]
Yeah...

[Both]
Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep going on

[Donna]
Starting out on a journey

[Both]
Life is a road that I wanna keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep on flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning...
With you

I already Cross Over The Year (^.*)

My Moment with a Year of 2010 (^.*)

2010-12-31T01:47:00.001+08:00

JANUARY 2010
~ My Cousin Cynthia & Anson Wedding
~ My Aunt Victoria & Jonathan Wedding

FEBRUARY 2010
~ Birthday Aunt Jennifer
~ Grandfather Pass Away
~ Gloomy Chinese New Year
~ Valentines Day at home with my blanket

MARCH 2010
~ My best friend's son Evandro birthday
~ My cousin Lica, Allen & Welson Birthday

APRIL 2010
~ Sponsoring My friend Cathy Soh for her Baptism, 1st holy Communion & Confirmation during Easter
~ My friend Joselyn & Elvis Engagement Day
~ Dinner with Rev. Fr. Rayner Bisius at Dowish restaurant Penampang
~ Mum & Darren Birthday
~ my 1 year Bug birthday

MAY 2010
~ Labour day Celebrating Mum's Emma, My mum & Darren birthday
~ Kaamatan Penampang District at Buhavan Square Penampang
~ Kaamatan Putatan District at Putatan's Hall
~ My Solo Birthday at home (^.*)
~ Kaamatan cooking competition at KDCA hall
~ Kaamatan Sugud at Dewan Datu Damidal Sugud
~ KDCA-ISCEP 2010 Concert at KDCA
~ A Day with Mary Kay
~ Rosalia & Pele Engagement Day at Kg Divato penampang

JUNE 2010
~ Family Gathering at Grandma house
~ World Cup
~ My 1st Girl Night Out & met New friends
~ My cousin's Friend Wedding day at Sacred Heart church
~ Alister & Lesley Wedding reception at Pusat Kebudayaan Sabah
~ Marilyn Lambert & Raymond Chin Wedding reception at KDCA

JULY 2010
~ My colleague Son's Birthday
~ My Cousin Connell & Peilin Engagement Day at Tamparuli

AUGUST 2010
~ My Nephew Noel Baptism

SEPTEMBER 2010
~ My family trip to Crocodile Farm Tuaran
~ Kimmy Birthday Bash at The Bed
~ My cousin's Caroline Birthday Celebration at Kg. Nelayan

OCTOBER 2010
~ My Nephew Noel Birthday Celebration
~ Me, Allen, Welson & Jason went to Karambunai Beach
~ Went to Dinner at Windbell with Kimmy, Crystal & Jacky
~ Daisy's colleague Shanty Birthday at Club Mix
~ Picnic with Jenny, Math, Evelyn, Linda, Ruzi & Jason at Tg. Aru Beach
~ My Nephew Aeden Birthday
~ My Cousin Emma & Benedict Engagement Day
~ Freda & Romeo Wedding reception at Kg Inobong
~ Florace & Lester Wedding reception at Kg. Koidupan Sugud
~ Wong Loong reunion at KDCA Hall
~ Princess Shanita Birthday at library hall
~ Charlie & Emilina Wedding Reception at KDCA Hall

NOVEMBER 2010
~ Friendly Picnic at Tg Lipat beach
~ Family Gathering at Grandma's house Sugud
~ Spending time with my cousin Cynthia before she went back to KL
~ Poker Night at Damai Club with friends

DECEMBER 2010
~ My Solo day to 1Borneo
~ My cousin Elicca & Jackson Engagement Day
~ Futsal & Jenny Birthday at Jesselton Point
~ Christmas Eve with Jason at St Simon Fung Likas
~ Christmas day with my family at Sugud & went to Padang Merdeka for Christmas Carnival
~ New Year Eve with Rosa
~ New Year Day will be Celebrating alone again at home (^.*)

Well, this is it...many things have been cherish..i love it all this year, including losing some friends. I have to let it go, i have to carry on what have i decide. I miss him the most, may his year 2011 have a lot better than this year.

For me next year, need more opportunity & be good to other people. Just need some happiness & i will healed. This year i've almost heal, but something came on, but i do really love God the most for keep opening my eye & have lead me until this far. To my friend Jason, thanks for taking care of me from the previous month, thank you for being such a great friend & a great brother to me. You are the great friend i ever had (^.*) Cheers

26th Dec 2010 (^.*)

2010-12-29T23:37:00.002+08:00

I was at the Spiji's Family gathering that day, it was really fun & cheerful family. I'm glad i was there with all of them. God Bless (^.*)

My Christmas Gift This Year 2010

2010-12-29T14:16:00.003+08:00

Cheers (^.*)

25th Dec 2010 - Christmas Day

2010-12-27T13:14:00.002+08:00

My Christmas day, i wen to celebrate with family at Sugud & then i went to Padang Merdeka visiting the Christmas Carnival with my best friend.

Nice decoration from Celcom, i'm glad i made it there. People taking pic everywhere, kids everywhere. Mostly i'm glad it wasn't raining (^.*)

24th Dec 2010 - Christmas Eve

2010-12-27T12:44:00.003+08:00

For the 1st time this year i went to Christmas Eve with one of my best friend at St Simon Likas, i didn't went to mass with my family this year, But still i have a best Christmas eve. I also found out my best friend little Secret, and i accept the fact he got someone's new, i'm happy for him.

I love that moment when i found out the truth, but he still didn't tell me. Well, perhaps that's can't expose until he propose her. I want to be the 1st person know that his getting married. hehehe...Hopefully this year got something that really memorable for him & hopefully he get his best Christmas ever.

I'm having dinner with my best friend at Bullfrog that night, i'm glad i have the chance to give him a Christmas gift. I know he try to be nice to me again, but it seem it didn't work out for me anymore. I just be professional & to be good to him or to other people now, my heart is neutral..no more involve with love or emotion.

I'm glad i realize i'm back on track again..proud of it..really lost it a few month back...I've got a gift too, & i didn't expect any return. But thanks for the gift, i love it all.

22nd Dec 2010 - A plan that didn't happen

2010-12-23T10:29:00.002+08:00

I was really not in mood at work today, i really having a bad headache & starting having some more. My chest really in pain, it's really a very long2 day.

I was planning to go Servay Supermarket, but i can't make. I feel really exhausted that night, after that i really want to go to Christmas Carnival at Padang Bandaran but it's raining & make me really lazy to go out.

Perhaps stay at home is better with eating medicine & went to sleep. I did sleep early at 8pm, then i wake up at 11pm to check on my hp if got any sms, i got sms from ym....it's from him...his sms was at 9pm...i just got a chance to reply it at midnight.

After replying sms, i went back to sleep until morning....

21st Dec 2010 - Confession

2010-12-23T10:25:00.002+08:00

I went to Sacred Heart Church with a friend that hates me, i don't want to give him that kind of name but i just can't trust him anymore. I don't know why, but i'm glad he still want to be my friend.

It's really a relieve when i finally did a confession, even though that time really make me give up to go, cause too crowded . But i'm glad i did it, having fun with him too.

20th Dec 2010 - FUTSAL & BIRTHDAY JENNY

2010-12-23T10:16:00.002+08:00

We were having fusal game with Asli Jati Company group...after that, we are celebrating our friend's Birthday, Jenny. Accompany by Street Singer at Jesselton Point, even though it's only a few hours but we really have fun (^.*)

19th Dec 2010 - Lica & Jackson Engagement Day

2010-12-23T10:13:00.002+08:00

Happy Engagement Day (^.*)

My Forgive & Forget (^.*)

2010-12-18T20:11:00.002+08:00

"Forgive & Forget" that's what my tag line 2 years ago, how can i forget about this. OMG, i really comes this far & over cross the line.

I really mess up this year, how could i do that. Well, if it's not too late..i, myself would love to start a new beginning in life again. I realize all this when i've watch Oprah Show, it's actually a very long time ago & they repeating it again on that channel. Then, i realize " isn't this bought me until this far?" OMG....

Well, i always forgive & i'm not holding any grunge to people. I also can forget, but it takes time. For sure i will be professional about it any troublesome that i've made or to other people.

"Time is all you have...
and you may find one day that
you have less than you think.~Dr. Randy Pausch"

Well, it really came into my mind this time..what have i forgot? i forgot who i was before, i remember more people hates me back then, they hates about my looks, my personality, my crowd..they just hates me....i do really forgot how i control all of my emotions that time. That's why, when i'm about to fall for someone, none of this will happen. I know it's not a sin for loving someone but i guess, i need to get over it. Be myself again, stand tough & keep neutral. I know i can't show that love to that person, but in my heart it's really strong.

I know perhaps this is the time i have left, but he deserve someone better than me, & i've seen it. I don't want to bother their life again, look his happy with his new camera & new friend. I guess it's more than enough. Perhaps God want me to help them, help them find what have they slack of....i'm glad i did it for God & for them. I love to see a happy couple.

It's remind me of my ex too, now i know why i met them. I didn't regret it at all anymore, but one thing for sure...The truth is when i said i love, i really mean it. I love my short term friendship with him, i let him go & i do love him. Everything that i've plan with him or for him is useless by now, he found his way now & i have to find mine.

Wow, i think i'm gonna spread the love to everyone this Christmas time. Well, it's really much temptation this year. I need to hold it back now....hehehe...now, i'm going to watch harry potter at channel 411 now...another home alone day....(^.*)...

My Friday 17th Dec 2010 (^.*)

2010-12-18T08:04:00.002+08:00

My list for my day off yesterday was
~Get the water Filter
~Get the water dispenser
~Having lunch with friend
~Get marry brown for my cousin's that get 4A in UPSR exam
~Get all the water filter & water dispenser on
~Went to mall buy present & some stuff

Well, 1stly i'm heading to the nearest CNI salespoint centre at Dongz, then heading to Megalong Buying The Mary Brown for my cousin and heading to his house at Kibabaig. After that, i'm suppose to having lunch with my friend but it seem he don't interested at all, so i'm straight away heading home & get the water dispenser on first. Oh man, it's really heavy which i have to carry up until to 2nd floor.

But haven't bought the water dispenser, so, i went to mall & get the water dispenser. But i forgot to buy other things, such as present & other stuff. But it's okay, will going some other time.

After putting all the water dispenser, i glad it's all done. Except having lunch with a friend & buying the present & some other stuff. But i'm glad half it's done.

I'm sitting in front of my computers & watching youtube, i accidentally clicking the other link. I was surprise that it was a piano lesson with a song that's remind me that song was exist. Then, i went to my download software & download the songs. I love it, perhaps next year will be my blog's song.

hopefully next year would be a great & colorful year. (^.*)

I've Try (^.*)

2010-12-17T20:58:00.002+08:00

Well, i guess this is it. I've tried but it just useless, i give up. Still got no response, i had it enough. perhaps it just not meant to be.

I'm just afraid:
~ If i call, you'll never pick up
~ If i sms, you'll never reply just like the email i've sent.
~ If i saw you, i would cry
~ If by coincidence, i don't know what to do

I just couldn't do it, i had enough. I just let you go then...i'm better seen invisible. I don't want to beg, just let it be. I don't want to let go, but i have to go. I don't want to cry, but it just won't stop. I don't want to remember anything about you, but i can't get it out of my head.

So, this is it. Thank you so much for being there for me when i needed someone. Miss you (^.*)
Have a blessed life (^.*)

My Moment With Skype This Year (^.*)

2010-12-16T22:46:00.003+08:00

Just now i was finish reading all of my conversation with my friend starting on September until the last conversation on November. I really miss that conversation too, but i'm glad i still keep it as a memory.

I read it with a smile on my face, cause it's remind me of the person i've just met & suddenly it's gone. I go hope he will be fine & gain his happiness right now. Perhaps people wants to know, who the hell i'm talking about. This person is really a matter for me, but i can't do that anymore cause i can't bother him anymore.

I love this skype still keep my moment with him in it. That's ahy, i prefer chat at skype rather others. Thanks Skype (^.*)

The Vission, What is it mean? (^.*)

2010-12-16T13:54:00.003+08:00

Last night, i was dreaming about something will happen, but i still don't have any clue what is it,
this is what i always struggle about, a dream...i know most of you would think "it just a dream", but my dream that i've already told you , probably it's already happen , or currently happening or perhaps on future. I wonder why that vision or instinct wouldn't go away, because the thing is i can't do anything about it, & it just telling me something happen.

I guess i had that vision before, but i still couldn't find that pic...where is it? i don't know how many times i have to go on through the internet because of this vision or pic....it's really tired, but i guess i've get use to it since i'm a kid. What i do scare of is the things that happen is among my closes friends or family. Which i already seen it many times, & still couldn't figure it out.

Oh well, i think this coming Christmas plan cancelled. Most of them really can't make it, really sad every Christmas have to be this way. Nothing much i can do, most of my holiday will be at home all the time due to tight budget. But one thing i have done, email to all my friends with all wishes & apologizing for this year behavior. That's really important, i hope i have better opportunity next year. (^.*)