Senorita Jane

I was uploading picture into my new photo blog, suddenly i found this a bunch of CD full of picture. Therefore, i'm so curious what inside the CD. While uploading the picture, i check out the CD one by one. I was so shock it was a pic from my past, the sad thing is i can't remember. It's not that i can't remember all of it, but just i can feel it that i had all those kind of memories.

Okay, what had happen to me this few years. Then i recall back what he was talking about that night, unfortunately, i'm so confuse. Oh Gosh! but i believe i have done something that really bad, until i get that kind of deep feeling again. Then, i wonder all those picture, is that really me? I know him actually but it didn't clear, i believe my friend told me something about him before, but he say that his different now, even though i just remember some of it. I think the worst part is gone or the lovely one also gone.

But when i saw those pic, i can feel something pain & also deep love appear. i don't know what was that, but i think i'm still alone because i am a bad person. That's why they told me i was like someone without a feeling, But i still remember them, their name, their lives or perhaps i've spent time with them before. I believe i know them before, that's why i keep being confident what i say to them.

Then, there's a pic that remind me of him that night. He said i was really meant to him, i didn't appreciate him as my love. Oh gosh, i really that bad, i didn't realize that. But i really terribly sorry about what happen between us. It's my fault, i think you were right all the time. I didn't know what actually happen, When you told me about what happen, i can feel & assume that i know but i didn't. I think something is stuck inside my memory. But i can reply him because i use to follow my heart what to say, some of it i still can remember, but if he recall deep further than that, i think i can't answer him.

Telling him the truth, the feel is still pure & it's not fake. But i guess because of me it didn't work out, i can feel that it's my fault all the time. But i didn't know or i can't make things right, i really don't know about myself anymore, that's why i need some retreat session & it will be this coming 16th -18th September. I've been wondering all these years what actually happen, the conclusion is i am really that bad person. Perhaps i was so afraid to get along with a guy anymore, i don't want them to get hurt by me some more.

I am really sorry what happen, but i guess he also wouldn't accept me as a friend, it's because i've hurt him so much & also to other people. I don't deserve any of you, hope i can re-install my memory. I know this is not sound like me, but that's the fact that people didn't know. How i wish i can apologize to each everyone that i've hurt, even though i don't know them.

That's why i just accept what ever people say about me, all the back stabbers too..i just accept what ever they want to say, i'm hurt in front of everyone-yup i've been there, humiliate by people all the time - yup i've been there, hurt in & outside - oh yes, all the time, nobody there for me - oh yes, even more exciting, when your loves one also become one of them - BINGO! Even better -i've been there...Thanks to all of them, without them i wouldn't be this strong. I can't move on, but i will just go ahead. i just Smile & walk away. The tears need to pause for a while. (^.*) Because i have this kind of faith & patient for myself even though how disgusting it is, that's why i just accept it. because i know if i force to fight, it will always come back & will never be secure. i just let it be.

Regret? i have tons of it, but it doesn't suit me anymore. Let the regret go with them all, I just wanna live & get things done until my very last & my very best. (^.*)

Okay, i'm going to continue to upload more picture at my new photo blog, do visit my photo blog ya. (^.*)